Dear Ferret Folks-

Heaven forbid that I would ever spoil ferrets...Especially not Todd the
Butter Butt, who is new winter-coat soft, and terribly cute with that
broad brown stripe running down his nose. He has gained a lot of muscle
and worked off some baby fat now that he no longer lives in a pet
store, but he is still a big boy. Husky.

He has an amazing ability to locate water. And as any ferret will tell
you, found water is always a hundred times better then cage water. It's
just one of those things. And in order to really enjoy found water,
you have to knock it over and stand in the puddle, then drink. It's
important to get as wet as possible in the process. My husband is a big
water drinker, and although he is pretty good about not leaving full
glasses around, he does slip up from time to time. My husband favors
sixteen ounce plastic tumblers. When you live with ferrets you
understand why those are called *tumblers*.

I have a confession. I keep a folded cotton towel near our wood stove
all winter. It is old and faded, not good enough to keep with the newer
bath towels. It stays nice and warm. And when I pull Todd out of his
newest puddle, well, I give him a warm all-over towel buff. He doesn't
put up any resistance. In fact, he closes his eyes and a little sliver
of pink tongue protrudes sticks out from between his fangs. All four
legs turn into rubber. His tail lies slack as if it is too heavy to
lift. He becomes a whole boneless ferret, like a whole boneless roast.
I rumple him dry, and set him back down on the floor so that he can
continue on with his Very Important Weasel Deeds. Then I fold the towel
up and set it back down near the wood stove.

Don't think that that's just *Todd's* towel. I spoil dogs, too.
Especially dogs that I have to thrust out into the howling New England
rain and snow in order to attend to matters of personal hygiene. Dogs
don't resist when you give them a heated towel buff, either. They sit
very quiet and still, heads down so that you can get their ears, too.

Now, Hebert would get a heated towel buff if he weren't so *stupid.*
When he gets wet he gets scared, so he runs away and hides under the
furniture. He leaves a little trail of wet weasel prints across my
hardwood floor. Coaxing him out doesn't work. The squeakie does not
work. I only succeed in enticing his snout out from beneath the
furniture. The rest of him huddles, wet and miserable in the darkness
and dust bunnies.

Actually, he tried to drown himself the other day because he is
*stupid.* My big green watering can was sitting on the floor with
about two inches of water inside. He stuck his upper body through the
fill hole in the top of the can until his head and front legs were
completely out of sight. His tippy toes were touching the floor, but
just barely. My husband, who is an evil man, whispered "Watch this!"
Then he snuck up on Hebert, came up behind him, and yelled "BOO!"

Now, a *reasonable* creature, being scared that way would pull his
top half out of the watering can and run, hell bent for leather. Not
Hebert. Hebert gave a mighty leap and jumped completely *into* the
watering can, head first. I yelled "There's water in there!" And my
husband pulled a sodden, thrashing Hebert out of the can before he
drowned.

Guess what. I don't leave the can on the floor with water in it
anymore. I have stopped leaving the toilet lid up, too, when Hebert is
free roaming during the day. This ticks the dog off mightily, because
as any dog can tell you toilet water is a hundred times better than
dog-bowl water. But if *any* ferret is dim enough to cross the Rainbow
Bridge via the toilet, it's Hebert. I think about Hebert and I
remember the things Foghorn Leghorn, the big white chicken in the
Bugs Bunny?Road Runner cartoons would say about his sidekick.

"That kid's about as sharp as a sack full of wet leather."

"You're built too low, son, they go right over you."

Yup. No heated towel for Hebert. He needs a special government program.
No Ferret Left Behind.

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 6154]