STAR* sponsored a contest on the FML: "You know your ferret is spoiled
when..." These are the top nine winners:
FIRST PLACE
30 [log in to unmask] (Linda Doran) You know your ferrets are spoiled
when they doo-doo on your unprotected hardwood floors, and even though this
activity leaves permanent stains and it will cost you a fair penny to hire
somebody to sand and polish the wood, you think ferrets are the most
wonderful creatures in the whole, wide world. After all, what is a glossy,
honey-colored oak floor when compared with the warm, brown tones of a sable
or the white, silken brilliance of an albino or the glistening,
salt-and-pepper sheen of a silver mitt or the thick, luxurious splendor of a
cinnamon, a butterscotch, a chocolate, or any other color of ferret on the
Earth? A proud mustelid with indomitable spirit and almond eyes whose
ancestors date back to the ancient Egyptians! While your measly wood floor
traces its ancestry to some 50-year-old tree! Ha! This is royalty we're
talking about here -- descendants of Tutankhamen and Ramses and Nefertiti
and Akhnaten and Cleopatra! So you, their obedient subject, follow them
around with newspapers, litterboxes, and towels, hoping to discover their
favorite potty places. And while you're doing this, the little darlings
hijack your dirty socks, your smelly insoles, your driver's license and your
car keys and hide them where you'll never find them again. But even if you
notice this flurry of movement from the corner of your eye, you can't bear
to pry these treasures out of their mouths because they are having so much
FUN hauling this stuff off the bed, or off the table, and all over their
kingdom, which, of course, is your entire dwelling and you their adoring
servant. You watch with loving eyes as they waddle and run and bounce,
powerless to intervene. As they frolic and jump and do war dances in your
face, you become woozy with laughter. They've put a spell on you and you
are powerless to resist. They have their own room, of course, which used to
be your room. You neglect to launder your pajamas, shirts, sweaters and
blankets because they've turned them into a cozy little bed, burying
themselves so deep in the fabric you can hardly find them. You love the
aroma of their musky scent glands and bury your nose in their fur when
they'll let you. You talk about them all the time and you are outraged when
people say bad things about them. You gaze at them while they sleep,
enchanted by their beauty. No matter how much money you spend on
vaccinations, vet bills, harnesses and cages; toys, dryer hoses, treats and
sandboxes; rescue ferrets who need good homes; special foods made by only a
few manufacturers; and Internet accounts where you can confer with other
ferret lovers and guardian-angel vets like Dr. Williams and Dr. Weiss, you
are always on the lookout for more ideas about how to keep them happy and
healthy. You can't sleep if your fuzzbeans get sick with a sniffle, a
cough, or diarrhea. You wake with a start if you hear them squeal and get
up to see if anything is wrong or if they're just having a ferretmare. You
learn to do things you never imagined, like how to give subcutaneous
hydration, how to mix medicines with ferret-friendly substances, and how to
check the color and shape of doo-doo. No matter how expensive the treatment
or devastating the loss of one of these glorious little mustelids, you live
for the moments when they fall asleep in your lap, stand up on two legs and
pick raisins from your fingers, kiss your face and scamper all over you, or
turn into a ferret speed bump in the middle of the floor right where you
always walk. In the presence of such beauty, who is really spoiled here --
your ferrets or you?
SECOND PLACE
8 [log in to unmask] You know your ferret is spoiled when your
mother (who now calls herself the ferrets' grandmother) notices that
Abercrombie and Fitch have been climbing on the Christmas presents and
stealing the candy canes from the bottom of the Christmas tree. To rectify
the situation, she moves the remaining candy canes from the top of the tree
(which have remained untouched) to the bottom so that the ferrets have
easier access.
THIRD PLACE
25 chworral@ ouray.cudenver.edu (Caroline Worrall) You know your ferret
is spoiled when... You lie on the floor for an hour staring at the ceiling
because your ferret has fallen asleep on your hair.
FOURTH PLACE
23 Kaimu 2 You know your ferrets are spoiled when THEIR bedroom is bigger
than yours and you hire a nanny to play with them everyday because you feel
bad that they have to stay home alone all day while you are at work.....
FIFTH PLACE
16 [log in to unmask] (Kelleen Andrews) [edited because of space
restrictions...] You buy your first two babies and during the 1st month you
run the plastic up a min. of $800...., Grandma makes a 3-tier ferret palace
from scratch for them..., In 3 months time the 1st two end up with 6 more
brothers and sisters to make a total of 8 so they won't be lonely..., You
talk Grandma into giving up her $300 air purifier so the babies can breathe
clean air, Mommy lets them burrow into the couch because it is their
favorite sleeping place..., You think the regular ID tags are just NOT good
enough for your kids so you buy 8 sterling / turquoise necklaces and have
them specially engraved, ... You scour at least 20 garage sales EACH weekend
for ferret goodies, You put water bottles and litterboxes on all 3 levels of
the cage just so they don't have to go toooooo far, You are killing yourself
having to tile and litterbox EVERY corner in your home ... just because you
haven't the heart to keep them caged all the time, AND last but NOT least
you spend at least $1800 on a computer system so you can continue to
subscribe to the FML when your fiancee leaves with his and you start your
very own ferret club.....!!!!!!!
FOUR TIES FOR 6TH PLACE: [6TH, 7TH, 8TH & 9TH in order of presentation
9 [log in to unmask] YOU KNOW YOUR FERRETS ARE SPOILED WHEN... You
are a starving student and buy your six fuzzies water that has been bottled
out of state because this past summer you heard that Indiana water is bad
for one's health, but the humans (me and my SO) in the household still drink
the toxic tap water.
12 [log in to unmask] (Andre Klefenz / Jennifer Strong) you know your
ferret is spoiled when... she uproots your plants all over the freshly
vacuumed carpet and you run for your camera because she's so damn cute with
the dirt on her face!
15 [log in to unmask] (Leslie Giles) You know your ferrets are spoiled
when they no longer jump up or climb on the furniture, the bathtub, etc.
.....they just look at you impatiently and you quickly move to lift them up
to wherever they want to go!
27 margolwak@ zeus.jersey.net (Margo Ellingsworth) You know your ferrets
are spoiled when... One of your little darlings gets out of the house, and
you wander around in a full force hurricane, eight months pregnant, with
your husband, (who lost a days pay because he stayed home from work to help
find the little guy), shaking a bag of food yelling "Hooch", as your
neighbors watch you and wonder if you are going to go into labor because you
are so upset!!!
[Posted in FML issue 1391]
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