[Moderator's note: Advisory: not particularly "politically correct!"  (A
similar post from someone else was rejected a couple of weeks ago -- this
one is a bit more specific and marginally passes.  Just barely.  BIG]
 
Tips about speech and the social graces down south
 
It's come to my attention that certain people attending the Ferret
Symposium might not be prepared to communicate with the local natives
in Georgia.  So, I've come forth to "edi-ma-cate" them.  Ready?
 
I want to start off with demonstrating the proper way to begin a sentence
in the South.  Before stating your business to a local, always begin by
saying, "I'll tell yew whuuuut...", "Let me tell ya sumthing", or "Let me
tell ya bout it".  After doing so, this cues the southerner to give you
their undue attention.  Then you may go on and speak.
 
Immediately upon finishing your statement, quickly follow up with the
following words, "Yeaaaaah buddy".  This will cue the native in on the
fact that you are done with your statement and that they are invited to
respond.
 
As you listen to a southerner speak, it would be appropriate to look
interested, nod, and reply often with "I'm tellin' ya".
 
Now that we know how to begin and end sentences or converesations, let
me go over a few simple grammitical rules.  First, know the plural of
"ya'll".  If I speak to you alone I can use the term "ya'll".  But if I
am speaking to a group or about a group of people, well then the proper
plural term would be "all ya'll".  Example: I can say to you, "Ya'll
need to git you some of them good vittles Renee Downs be cookin' at the
shelter on Thursday night?"  Example of plural use: "All ya'll got to
see this", is what I'd say to a group of people if Judy Cooke were to
fall off her high heels in the lobby, Georgia Wood were to loose her
slip around her ankles in a hotel hallway, or if that Oracle person were
to toss hairballs on Bob Churches dinner table.
 
Speaking of drinks.  Do not ask for iced tea or you will get a puzzled
look.  We have sweet tea down here.  And when you ask for a drink,
please refrain from using such odd terms as "drink", or "soda", or "pop".
Everything here is a coke.  So when I ask if someone has "a coke", their
typical response would be something such as, "what kind, sugar?"  Then
you might reply back "a tequlia sunrise".  One word of warning.  Do no
drink anything in an unmarked masons jar let alone light any cigerettes
in the same room as one.
 
Lastly, do not stare at the size of ones truck or suv.  That would be
rude.  Do not ask southerners how big their guns are or how many guns
they have unless you want to see them demonstrate right then and there.
Do not refer to females as "moon-pie 'ho's" as you might not be able to
get rid of them (remedies for such pests would be nothing short of shovel
in the face).  In addition, do not feed the rif raf while touristing the
area (aka the hillbillies, rednecks and bumpkins).
 
If you follow a few of these very simple rules, you should have a safe
and happy visit to the peachy state of Georgia this fall for the ferret
symposium.
 
Ya'll come back.......... ya hear?
 
Wolfy
[Posted in FML issue 4249]