(this is just an on-going joke, folks-- or at least, I think it is, but
Pandora, who told me to post this for her, sure does't seem to think it's
a joke)
 
Dear Easy-Off:
You sound enough like me to be related-- perhaps a distant cousin?
Unfortunately, I believe you must be feeling somehow threatened by my
superiority and Perfect Ferret-hood, and you are therefore trying (too
hard) to prove yourself.  I am magnanimous, however, and though (heaven
forbid!) I would never agree that you are in any way More Perfect than I
am, I will concede that you may be, well, pretty cute.
 
You have downplayed my relationship with the family Boxer, despite the fact
that I have really brilliantly whipped him into shape.  I do, of course,
have the admiration of my whole family for my feats (except for Flower,
and, well, she doesn't count).
 
This weekend I have added to my exploits.  Now, I have put two more
creatures firmly in their place underneath me in the food chain.  I am
always sweetness and light as befits my princess status with my family, but
let me tell you, when that strange hooman house guest of theirs stuck his
fingers into my Royal Hammock and disturbed my beauty sleep, I sure let him
have it!
 
But the real fun was with their big fluffy cat-thing.  When I first came to
live here, I left Him alone; he was rather big and all, and had lots of
claws.  The dog-thing was easier to test my wits (and teeth) on to start
with.  But finally I felt I could prevail with minimal effort, so I chased
the cat-thing all over the house!  It was great fun!  All my little minions
followed me (they're always copying me, you know), and we sure scared that
big fluff!  Still, he might have gotten away if my hooman mom hadn't of
bent down and snagged him.  Silly hooman!  All that did was give me a
chance to get 'im!  I bet Mom couldn't figure out why Subatai felt so heavy
when she first picked him up!  It was 'cause I was hanging off his butt by
my teeth (tee hee!).  'Course, I let go, but I got a great big mouthful of
cat-hair as a souvenir!!
 
And then, there's my hooman daddy, who always picks me up and croons sweet
nothings in my ear; not even Mom or the little hooman gets that much sticky
sweet attention from him!  I lay on my back in his hands and pose, with my
legs all stretched out so he can kiss my tummy and admire the beautiful
stripe I have down it.  And I'm the softest, the calmest, the most
beautiful, the fastest, I get the most treats... the list goes on and on.
 
So, you see, Easy-Off, I've got it going on.  And I know I'm the Most
Perfect Ferret In The Whole Wide World because my Daddy tells me so.
 
Pandora
[Posted in FML issue 2481]