Dear Natalie-

I have had a friend with Asperger's for many years. We know that we
experience the very *same* feelings, but we experience them in very
different ways from one another. Often, she is unconcerned during
situations that give me and most neurotypically average folks great
concern and anxiety. She doesn't, for example, look both ways before
crossing streets. Not because she is dumb, she is highly intelligent.
But she seems to experience her life in a narrow sort of focus, whereas
the neurotypically average experience our internal thoughts *plus* a
lot of peripheral things all at once. Like, say, cars whizzing past and
traffic signals, *and* our internal thoughts. We, the neurotypically
average or NTA) typically juggle them all without having to think about
it, and get across the street safely without having to concentrate on
doing so. We can dodge traffic while chatting with a friend, using a
cell phone, etc. She can only do one of those things at a time.

But when she chooses to set her mind to doing one thing, and one thing
alone, she has a focus like a laser beam, one that I can only imitate
for short periods of time. She can focus like that for hours. She can
live inside that focus in a way that I can't, and never will. And she
can remember just how she felt during that time, what she did, what she
said in conversation during that time, what other people said and did
in conversation during that time. Plus, she can remember all of that
much, much longer than I can.

I mentioned that she can remember just how she felt when she was really
focusing on something, and those feelings persisted. She could call
them up almost like playing a CD for a long period of time, anytime she
thought about whatever it was she had been focusing on. It's a level of
recall that I don't much experience, and that I don't think most of the
NTA experience, either. We get flashes of it, but not a minute by
minute emotional playback.

*You* are focusing on your new furry friend. And sort of like a new
parent, I think that perhaps you are being hit with the feelings
typical to new parents. Sure, there are happy feelings, but with new
parenthood also comes a feeling of heightened responsibility for the
new life in your care. That new life depends upon you for many
things...food, shelter, medical care, psychological well-being. It
*is* a big responsibility.

But you needn't feel *all* of these anxieties all at once, over and
over and over like playing a CD. Try pairing every anxious feeling with
a happy feeling relating to having Petunia in your life. If you start
having anxiety about one aspect of her care, immediately focus on a
happy aspect...playing with her, cuddling her, enjoying watching how
cute she is in her sleep, all curled up and warm. This will help to
balance your anxiety out, and not let it overwhelm you, as if you were
playing an anxiety CD over and over again with perfect recall.

It is good that you are having the normal feelings and anxieties that
all new parents have. This means that you are a good, responsible
ferret mommy, and you absolutely deserve to experience those good
feelings, too. Let yourself have them. The moment you start obsessing
on your new responsibility to the point where you are actually in
emotional pain, allow yourself an equal measure of emotional pleasure
and satisfaction in your relationship with Petunia. I don't doubt that
you have a highly disciplined mind, and I am certain that you can
learn to do this with a little practice.

Let us know how things are going-

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 6586]