Dear Ferret Folks-

Getting a Ferret to take Flagyl doesn't have to be a nightmare. My
sweet Miss Lily taught me how, years ago.

Here is how you go about it. Preparation is everything.

First, move any easily tipped over furniture to the walls. You don't
want it underfoot once you are in the thick of things. Just push it
all against the walls. You can put in back in place, after. Roll up the
carpet, too, and lay it against the wall. That Flagyl spit foam is ugly
on carpets, and your average ferret can shoot that stuff ten feet from
its mouth. Remember those velociraptors in the Jurrasic Park movies
that could spit poison into people's eyes? Yeah. Like that.

Lay out your equipment on a table after putting a bed sheet on it for a
tablecloth. Medication, syringe if that is how you choose to administer
it. Pills if not. Duct tape. Scissors. Box cutter knife. Roll of paper
towels. Spray bottle of cleaner. Box of baby wipes. One heavy metal
wire coat hanger, unwound, and now straightened so it's about three
feet long with that hook at one end. Stack of small towels. Ideally,
you will only need one. But again, preparation is everything. Start
with a stack of ten. Don't forget to lay out a pair of Army -issued
night-vision goggles, too.

This method absolutely requires two people, but three is good. You have
to agree upon your plan of action before you begin. This is *not* the
place for improvisation. It is not "cheating" to wear a snorkeler's
mask while doing this. Remember the velociraptors. Hospital scrubs are
good, but those one-piece paper disposable "clean suits" used in the
computer industry are ideal. Just wad them up and throw them away when
you are done. Don't forget the paper booties.

Now you are ready to begin. Bring your ferret over to the table. She
will be instantly suspicious, and will narrow her eyes in a dangerous
way, but don't stop. Be brave for her sake. One person holds the
ferret, the other takes one of the small towels and wraps the ferret up
like a mummy, with only her head sticking out at one end and her tail
sticking out at the other. The third person is very helpful here. Wind
duct tape snugly around the outside of the towel., making a ferret
burrito. The purpose is to render the slashing claws helpless. By now
the ferret may be making breathless little hissing noises, and you will
see fang. It may take you several tries and several towels to do this.
Pooping may happen. Be prepared. That's why you have more than one
towel and baby wipes.

Now take the straightened heavy-gauge coat hanger wire and wrap a bit
if duct tape over the sharp end. *Gently* insert the end into the mummy
bundle, between ferret and towel. The straight end goes in first, and
the hook should act as a "brake", making it impossible for the wildly
struggling ferret to come from being able to slide off the end of the
wire altogether. The hook will come to rest right by the head. Now you
will be able to hold the ferret mummy bundle out several feet away from
your tender flesh, sort of like roasting a marshmallow over a fire.

Three people are ideal for this step. Administer the Flagyl. There will
be an immediate reaction.

Hold the bucking ferret out and away from your body by the coat hanger.
Some people liken this experience to hooking a giant marlin with a
spinning rod. You strap in, and hold on for dear life. The ferret will
spit and bubble and wriggle, buck and spin. Some of the duct tape may
tear loose. Be careful. Hold onto the hanger wire with both hands and
guard your eyes. The ferrets aim for the eyes, just like the
velociraptors.

If there isn't much flying spit, you didn't get the medication *into*
the ferret. Administer more Flagyl.

If you detect the merest hint of a smug expression on the ferret's
face, administer more Flagyl. Watch your fingers.

Once you've determined that you actually got some of the Flagly into
the sneering, infuriated ferret, hold the mummy bundle out to your
helpers on the end of the hanger wire. Now it's time to cut away the
duct tape. Don't bother trying to save the towel, it gave it's life for
a noble purpose. This is why you have scissors and a box cutter knife.

Be prepared to get the HECK out of the way once the ferret is free.
Now, the clean up begins. This is what the paper towels and spray
cleaner are for. Don't forget to check the ceiling during your
wipe-down. Finally, wipe yourselves down. Wad up whatever you chose to
wear, and throw it away. The pink stains will never come out, anyway.
Don't bother to roll out the carpet and reposition the furniture. You
will be doing this again in a few hours, if you can find the ferret.
*if*. This is where the Army issued night-vision goggles are for,
searching for the ferret in the deepest, darkest hidey holes she can
think of.

Good luck.

Alexandra in MA

Ping is He: "Snicker-snicker-snicker!"
Puma: "As if, hoomin!"

[Posted in FML 6000]