I apologize for the delay in updating you all on my mom.  She was moved
to ICU and put on a ventilator when she could no longer breathe for
herself... she was also battling a staphylococcus infection (the worst
there is) for which there is no antibiotic to cure.  She could hear and
communicate for little things by nodding her head yes or no.  That helped
me provide her with little creature comforts..socks on cold feet, hand
massages to keep her from tugging at the tube down her throat, some
classical music to drown out the incessant bleeping of the machines that
kept her alive.  Although her condition was serious, I refused to believe
that she would not come out of this... she HAD to..she's my mom...and I
would be lost without her.  She would pull through this.
 
One day we held a prayer circle with her pastor.  During the prayer
I experienced a vision of mom walking hand in hand with a beautiful
benevolent male figure.  She smiled as they walked, healthy and happy.
I interpreted this to be a message from a higher power that God would
see her through this illness...and in His way I suppose he has...His
way...surely not mine or any of the hundreds of family, friends and piano
students that are left behind.  My mom passed away on January 17 after
being in the hospital for exactly a week.
 
My mom had this habit of sending me a slew of cutesy little emails.  I
remember how annoyed I'd get because so many people sent me the same
things and would clutter up my email box.  One of those things I wish to
God I had to annoy me now.  I was just too busy to appreciate it as a
loving gesture from the most important woman in my life.
 
Mom has been gone for three weeks now.  I don't know how I make it from
day to day...It is not getting easier to deal with..  if it weren't for
the ferrets in my care, I'd have no reason to get out of bed.  Dad is
working through his grief by cleaning out her belongings which us kids
are finding a little difficult to deal with but supporting him
nonetheless..  dad is 78.  When I was cleaning up the computer desk the
other day I found that she had printed out a copy of a poem she had
emailed about a messy house....I had read and deleted it assuming it to
be another mass haha circulated around the internet.  I couldn't imagine
why she felt it necessary to print a copy.  I put it in the stack of
many things I was saving...just because....if she printed it there must
certainly be a reason.  As I continued to dig through the stack of papers
I came across a few sheets of yellow legal paper, old, worn and browned
with age.  I carefully unfolded it to find that it was a handwritten
version of the poem she sent me...it was one of her original works
written in 1980 when I was a teenager.  A gift for writing was something
mom and I shared and I never really appreciated until now.
 
Why am I sharing this with all of you?  You are a special group of people
in my life, many of you with whom I am very close.  You will never truly
appreciate what the term "the little things" means until you lose a
parent.  No matter how old you are, you suddenly feel orphaned, that your
no one's "little girl" anymore.  It's the worst heart wrenching pain you
will ever feel.  Please appreciate your parents while you are still
fortunate enough to have them in your life.  Iron out your differences.
Most of my years with my mom were very troubled.  For the past year
however I've had premonitions that she would not be here much longer.  A
small voice kept telling me to take the time now, do the things with her
that she wanted to do...and I did.  We made Thanksgiving dinner together
and she shared her stuffing recipe with me.  We cooked for church dinners
and made crabcakes together.  We went to see My Big Fat Greek Wedding and
she thought that was the bomb..even though I wound up taking a Big Fat
Greek Nap half way through.  Spend time with them doing things that they
enjoy..do it just to make them happy.
 
Warm Fuzzys,
Kim Fox
[Posted in FML issue 4416]