Here you go Ferretvolk, a little more for your mental digestion:
 
Upon assisting at a male ferret's necropsy by one of the Left Coast's
foremost vets, Colonel, Doctor Skip Nelson of the Exotic Pet and Bird Clinic
of Kirkland, Washington, and in between the Doctor's vocalizations into the
necropsy tape recorder as the ferret was opened up and scrutinized for
possible abnormalies possibly suggestive of the ferrets human tissue
rendering the previous day, we struggled to offer some explanation why this
adult, intact male ferret inflicted approximately 47 lacerations to the
scalp of a sleeping, 2-week infant.
 
The episode was not particularly sensationalized by the press, other than
the fact that the local TV station came to my home and interviewed me,
ostensibly to give them a simple reason why pet ferrets are so viscous and
dangerous to infants.
 
47 or so lacerations directly to the top of the head, the scalp, of the
2-week old infant that had lain on the floor the entire night, gave us pause
to wonder why all the lacerations were on, around, and near the top of the
infant's head.
 
So, stop and recall what most ferrets do when given a large piece of their
favorite food, such a a whole chicken thigh like what I give often to my
little lady TIGNIK-ichi.  She, as most other ferrets I've observed, when
presented with the same "challenge," do not eat that big hunk of cooked
chicken right on the spot.  No, what they do is run-trott off to an
enclosure of some sort, just deep enough to get their head and shoulders
into, and therein proceed to dine.
 
Is this instinctive behavior suggestive that the ferret does not want to
share its food with any other ferret, even though no other ferret is by,
close or otherwise?  Then, why does the ferret characteristically also run
off with a toy or other object, to secret it, when it is not food?
 
Could this mode of activity be considered a hoarding instinct?  Obvious to
most anyone who's been around ferrets is their proclivity to run-trott and
hoard.  Now breakdown this complex action into two fundamental parts; that
of moving with the object from an object's place, and then depositing that
object in another place, the hoard.
 
With this hoarding instinct in mind, one may propose to explain the reason
for the location of the lacerations on the Auburn, Washington, infant's
head.  Were the ferret attempting to drag the infant to a place other than
were it was discovered, it would've attempted purchase on the infant's head
or other extremity.  In this case it was the head.  Now consider the tensile
strength of a 2-week old infant's scalp skin and relate this consideration
to the overall weight (coef of friction) of the infant.
 
Let's assume the ferret was attempting to drag the infant.  The ferret takes
a purchase on the shallow scalp skin by penetrating the skin with its upper
and lower K-9 teeth (fangs).  Note that the upper and lower teeth shear with
respect to each other such that any tissue impacted beween the mandibular
and labial K-9's is being stressed over a relatively small arc.  Then when
the ferret starts backing up, to drag the infant, the stress placed on a
very small area of skin simply tears, and likely the ferret stumbles
backward a bit, having lost his grip.  His loading is simply too heavy to
drag compared to the tensity of the skin.
 
Since ferrets are known to be tenacious - they are highly persistent and
don't readily yield to failure - they most certainly will repeat the drag
manuever until a goodly number of lacerations have been inflicted.
 
So, in conclusion, one may theorize, based on observed behavior and the
nature of the lacerations produced, and ferret persistency, that ferrets do
not "bite." They do not attack infants, and children.  They do, however,
hoard both, as is their instinctive nature, and no one is about to change
that.  The best we can do, is learn from careful observation, use what
little common sense we have, and work to prevent repetitions of some aspects
of normal ferret behavior.
 
Lastly, let me express great empathy and pity for those persons, who already
have a hint of the disaster that will ultimately befall the ferret/infant
interface, and yet in full knowledge of such horrendous potential, still
project infants and ferrets in close approximation, either on their web page
or in their publications, as "cute."  Is it only a matter of time until they
will be proven idiots?
 
        Periculum in mora. [L.] There's danger in delay.
Edward Lipinski, Frettchenvergnuegen from the Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[F]erret [E]ndowment for [R]esearch,[R]ehab, [E]ducation & [T]raining
[S]ociety, NorthWest.
[Posted in FML issue 2231]