Lieber Herrn und Damen:  Dear Gentlemen and Ladies:
 
Welcome to the Polak's discourse on Ferret Olympics.  Previously 021198 I
described the events titled:
 
1.) 2-Flags Flagpole Race.  2.) 5-Bag Paperbag Escape Contest.
3.) String-Sniffing Contest.  4.) Yawing Contest.  5.) Swimming Contest.
 
Here let me define for you these competitions:
 
6.) Wet Ferret Bowling Contest.  This even follows the Swimming Contest,
since obviously the Vadazmenyets [Hungarian for "Ferrets"] are still wetted.
The ferret owners slides his (her) balled-up, wetted ferret down a slight
incline on a thick plastic sheet and tries to put just enough energy into
the slide so that the frisky ferret stops and jumps up on one of two markers
at the downhill end of the plastic sheet.  The end marker, at 25-feet
distance, (a piece of red plastic tape) is the 5-points marker.  The closer
marker is a piece of yellow plastic tape about 2-feet up from the end and is
worth only 2-points.
 
Objective:  Each kuroitachi (Japanese for "sable ferret") is slid thrice to
achieve the highest score possible in any one slide or bowl.  Going off the
end beyond the red marker is 0-points.
 
NOTE: This idea came to me after learning that the fraternity brothers at
the U of Washington were bowling with balled-up ferrets down the long length
of the shiney, waxed, hallway in the frat house.  $5.00 was riding on each
ferret slide and the ferret that stopped closest or on the red "X" on the
floor took the pot.  The amazing fact about this seemingly "rough" sport was
that the ferrets just loved it.  Upon stopping their slide, the ferret would
jump up, do a weasel-war dance and frequently would run right back to his
bowler for another slide down the hallway!  Craz-z-z-y man.
 
7.) Ferret Intelligence Test.  Visualize hardware cloth: it's the metal
screen that is often seen as the floor of a ferret cage.  Cut into 3-foot
lengths and enough width so that when rolled it forms a tube about 4-inches
diameter.  Solder the abutting edges of the metal screen so as to form a
rigid tube of screen wire through which the ferret can be easily seen and
easily encouraged to travel by its highly excited, sometimes screaming
owner.  Duct tape around both open ends and along the entirety of the
soldered joints.  Make three of these tubes.  Join two tubes end to end with
duct tape, then insert one end of the 2-tube length into a clear,
heavy-duty, plastic garbage bag.  At the other end of the plastic bag insert
the third wire ferret tube.  So what you end up with is one assembly of a
kind of obstacle course for a ferret to travel through that is made up of
two tubes, taped together, taped into a large, clear plastic bag, and a
third tube exiting the other end of the plastic bag.  Make 4 or 5 of these
assemblies and lay out on a down-sloping grassy hillside.
 
Objective: Have the 4 or 5 contestants ready to load their ferrets into the
upper end of the tubes.  At the command, "Load your Ferrets!" the ferrets
are inserted into the tubes (or allowed to enter on their own) and held in
place until the judge (U-boot Kapitan) barks the command,"Frettchen Los!"
[G.] "Fire your Ferrets!"
 
This is when all Hell breaks loose.  The owners are down on their hands and
knees, urging, begging, pleading, cajoling and enticing their ferrets down
further into the screen tubes, all the while keeping a sharp eye on each of
the other ferrets and their owners doing essentially the same thing.  Out
come the squeekers, the raisins, the Ferretvite, the rattling box of
flavored Cheerios, etc.  as the owners do all in their power to get their
ferret down through the tubes and into the platic garbage bag ahead of the
others.  Then it's through the bag and transiting the final wire tube to the
outlet and onto the grass.
 
Now here's where it can get maddenly frustrating, right at the end.  The
rule is that the ferret must have completely exited the wire tube with all 4
paws on the grass.  Any attempt to pull the ferret out while he's still
halfway in the last tube is a disqualifier.  It's so damn frustrating
because the ferret, most often, will frequently do a 180 degree sniff
exploration of the grass while still halfway inside the last tube.  What
happens more often than not, is that the ferret, if he's badgered by his
owner, will retreat back into the wire tube, will turn around and go back
into the tube and uphill into the plastic bag!  At this point the owner goes
beserk, nearly mad; all the while the little Shiroitachi (Japanese for
albino ferret) is seen to be smirking gleefully.
 
What the hell.  We don't make any money, bet we and the ferrets sure have a
lot of fun.  Of course the first three ferrets out are the winners of that
heat; then all heat winners must race again (are timed) until only three
winners survive.
 
See you all tomorrow sometime.  Got to go to bed; it's 3:00AM!
 
                Aequabiliter et diligenter. [L.] Steadily and diligently.
Edward Lipinski, Frettchenvergnuegen from the Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[F]erret [E]ndowment for [R]esearch,[R]ehab, [E]ducation & [T]raining
[S]ociety, NorthWest.
[Posted in FML issue 2221]