Hi Guys - here is another silly I did while keeping an eye on a mama giving
birth.
 
As many of you may already know, ferrets are natural devices of torture.
They know, for instance, every sensititve spot on our bodies.  The smart and
practiced ferrets know exactly that fine and keen amount of pressure they
can apply with their teeth to extract the most pain.  Without breaking the
skin.  These ferrets are very, very good at torture.
 
Some ferrets are "specialists" having an area on your body that they prefer
to bite and exact the most exquisite pain without leaving a mark.  They may
leave a scream.  They may also get their fuzzybutts incarcerated in the
playpen cage too, but that is another story.  These ferret torture
specialists will nip the skin on top of your toes, fingers and other parts
of your body, knowing that when you pull the skin up and apply sharp teeth,
that will exact a yell from their victim.  This usually makes them very
happy and they will try to do it again.
 
Any ferret torture specialist worth his/her salt knows that the back of the
knees, neck, ears, top of feet and hands and other areas are sensitive.  A
real pro will go for the inside of the thighs.  They also know that crawling
in your clothes will get you too because you, at the least, will get
scratched up.  The finest ferret torture specialists know that licking your
eye lids, biting your nostrils and ear lobes will leave you beyond the
ability to scream.  Ohhhhhhhhh!  Little monsters.
 
Now, I have no ferrets that will bite, but gad do I have some really good
ferret torture specialists.  These animals have had time to hone their art
of torture.  Through diligent practice, they have learned, especially while
I am sleeping, just where and how much pressure to apply.  As an example,
none of my ferrets are allowed to wake me up and they know this.  This crime
will get them sentenced to half a day in the playpen and ignored.  A couple
of times in the "pen" and they won't dare to touch me again while sleeping.
Ferrets are welcome to sleep with me for cuddle purposes and I like warm
little snugglers.
 
However, as some of my specialists have explained to me, there are times
when I need to be awakened by torture.  They have brought me a petition
listing these reasons to inflict such tactics.  Now they want the Right to
to it without fear of being swept abruptly out of the bed, or confined to
stir.  Arrogant little twits.
 
These are their demands.  We, the ferret torture specialists, have the right
to bite our human under the following conditions:
1.  When the alarm clock rings for longer than 15 minutes without signs of
life
2 When Sparky has splashed all of the water out of the bowl.  We understand
we are not to wake you if the other hobs have just splashed out some, but
not all.  We do not feel that we should be required to drink water from the
water bottles unless we choose to do so.
3. For sexual harrassment by a hob against a jill not in season.
4. To let you know someone has pooped where they shouldn't.
5. The sudden and excruciating need for treats in the night.
6. When a mommy ferret is delivering or her babies are crying or any other
reason you are needed.
7. Just for the heck of it.
 
At first I had no intention of giving credit to such a ridiculous document,
but after several nights of ferret torture, I was ready to negotiate.  I
looked over this petition and we have reached accord.  I nixed item 4
because I do not want to be notified in the middle of the night of a poop
transgression.  I usually will find this right away when I step in it in the
morning.
 
Item 5, with a great deal of argument, was also deleted.  There is no
evidence that a ferret will die if he/she does not get a middle of the night
treat.  They were also told in very firm tones that if item 7 was done, that
ferret would find itself in the Antiartica.
 
Now I am wondering if ferrets have ever been used for torture.  I can just
imagine it.  "Now, Mr. Victim.  Ve vant to know where da microchip is
hidden..Ve have vays of making you talk.  You vill tell us everyting ve vant
to know." " I will never betray my country, I will die first".  "AH Hah!
You fool, you don't know vhat ve have.  You vill talk." "Never!" "Okie
dokie, give me the first ferret torture specialist Ergo." NO, NO, not the
dreaded ferret torture, what do you want to know.........I will tell you
anything." Poor guy.  Betraying his country like that.  I know just exactly
how he feels.  Cheers, Meg
[Posted in FML issue 2305]