Last fall or so, Sean would tilt his head to the side curiously and say
to me, "Mom, Rocky's tired ... I think he's getting old".  I told him
that yes, he was getting old and that was okay.  He was concerned that he
didn't play anymore.  But I told him he was tired of playing the same old
games and that he was enjoying new things such as hanging out, watching
others, taking naps, and above all ... thinking.  Sean asked what he was
thinking about.  I told him that he had years of things to look back on
and to think about.  Years of good times with him to remember.  I told
him that takes up a lot of time.  So he's too busy to play the old games.
Sean smiled rather largely at that idea.
 
Little did I know that Sean's perception was a very accurate one.  Rocky
was aging early.  And Rocky, was probably just getting cancer even back
then for all we knew.  All I could do was reassure Sean that what he saw
with Rocky was very normal.  Now that I know that much of that was not
normal, I had to step up my pace.  For the last several weeks, we've
gently reminded Sean that Rocky was not just old, but very old.  I have
brought to his attention that Rocky's slowed down and have told him it
was a good idea to make the most out of this time.  I told him that the
vet said he was very old as well, and he also needed to be careful with
him because of his "tummy".  Sean is already extra gentle compared to
most people, but since Rocky is now fragile and because his tummy is so
large now ... we thought it would be a good idea.  Rocky's days of being
tickled are now gone.
 
Then I tried to talk to Sean alone about the fact that Rocky will die
someday.  We all die, and since that day will inevitably come it would be
a good idea to talk about some things.  I got nowhere.  He left the room.
I waited a few days and tried again.  This time he began to cry a little.
So I stopped.  And so it went.  Step by step.  It wasn't easy.  I have
never seen such denial before.  And truthfully, I became quite worried
for a bit.  But I did begin to see progress.  Finally, one day, he did
not run.  He did not shut his ears.  He did not cry (beyond a few
sniffles).  I grabbed that opportunity like nothing I have before.
 
I brought up the following (but of course in language Sean could
understand):
 
-That we need to talk while we are not upset so that we can make good
decisions for when Rocky's time comes.  When you don't think about these
things ahead of time and something like death happens all the sudden,
it's very hard to do what needs to be done.  When you wait, sometimes,
you can't think right because you are so sad and then you make decisions
that you might wish you hadn't of made later.
 
-That after Rocky is gone ... he needs to talk, talk, talk to me.  Always
talk.  He needs to understand that I realize that he doesn't talk much
because of the autism, but in this case he needs to try extra hard to
talk.  Even if he just wants to talk about the weather.  It's very
important.
 
-He needs to form strong bonds with friends and especially consider bonds
with grown up friends because we all need them let alone at a time like
this.
 
-That he seriously needs to decide if he wants Rocky outside with the
other ferrets and where, etc.
 
-And the we covered the questions: would he like a new friend for Rocky
now, or would he like to wait for after Rocky is gone, or does he even
want another ferret someday.
 
That's what we've touched on so far.  We covered massive ground that
afternoon.  But that's how it is with Sean.  You hit a brick wall
repeatedly and it's like a tiny window cracks open to where you can get
through to him and when he is incredibly lucid.  You have to seize those
moments.  And that's what I did.  To progress with these kids, you have
to be incredibly alert and in touch with the child to spot those windows
when they do open.
 
Well, that's all for right now.  Now you all are caught up.  Sean has
decided that Rocky is to be cremated.  He has picked out a "vase" as he
calls them online.  They are quite incredible.  They are white and you
can get a likeness of your ferret on them (sort of like an ink drawing),
a poem, and dates.  His second favorite was a box where you can slide a
picture in there.  I sort of liked that, but it's his decision.  It's
good to have a back up plan though.  Sean has decided that he indeed
want's another baby, but that he not only wants to wait until after Rocky
passes away, but that he also wants to wait for a time before hand.
Let's see what else.  Well, the school has dissapointed me severely in
that they have failed at counceling Sean about anything he is going
through.  Scott took days off and I've been there three different times
to tell his teachers and the vice principle that he needs to be taken
somewhere to talk about things that bother him such as teasing at school,
etc.  Despite this they've yet to do it.  It's been very upsetting.  Two
weeks of school are left, so I've given up.  My other plan is to try to
get him to make friends with an older couple down the street.  But, with
autism, that is beyond difficult.  We'll see what happens.
 
Meanwhile, Sean bought a tiny bed (looks like a people bed for ferrets)
for Rocky.  And we've given him permission to take him outside all over
this past month.  You see Rocky has not had shots in quite a while due to
vaccine reactions and age.  So what the heck, right?  Enjoy things while
you can and gather up the memories while you can.  He's going to need
them.
 
Wolfy
http://wolfysluv.jacksnet.com
[Posted in FML issue 4875]