Greetings fellow ferret freaks,
 
I ,too, have had a ferret with a taste for the suds.  It all started when
one of my roommates left a glass of wine on the coffeetable.  I found the
glass tipped over and Lugnut was sipping away like crazy.  He looked up at
me with a glazed look, grinning from ear to ear, hiccuped, and promptly fell
off the table.  After picking himself up, he staggered off, first staggering
to the right, then lurching to the left, hiccuping at every other step.  He
finally straightened out, only to be stopped dead by the unseen sliding
glass door.  BONK!  He finally made it to his bed and immediately passed
out.  I got a laugh out of it, thinking it harmless fun.  Little did I know,
it was only the beginning of the problems to come.  In the weeks that
followed I began noticing things.  I would go to grab an unopened beer can,
only to find it empty with four little holes poked in the side.  The bottle
of tequila seemed to be getting watered down.  I blamed it all on the mice
living in the basement.  They were always the trouble-making sort.  Then I
noticed changes in Lugnut.  He started becoming withdrawn, he would lash out
at the other ferrets for no apparent reason, he become moody.  His wardances
became more of a warstagger.  He began hanging out with a rough crowd, a
local ferret motorcycle gang called Hell's Weezils.  He would come in later
and later each night.  It wasn't until I got the call from the police to
come pick him up from jail that I realized he had a problem.  He had been
thrown in detox for drunk and disorderly behavior.  At the police station,
the officer explained to me why it was bad to let my ferret behave that way
in public and get arrested, especially since they didn't have handcuffs
small enough, and ferrets can climb right out that little opening in the
door of the cell.  During the ride back home I could tell he was depressed
with the turn his life had taken.  When we got home, the other ferrets were
anxiously awaiting us.  After explaining the situation, we set about
cheering Lugnut up, which wasn't hard since ferrets can't stay depressed for
very long.  The very next day Lugnut enrolled in LFA (Lush Ferrets
Anonymous), a 12 bounce program for ferrets in his situation.  I am happy to
say that with the love and support from us, Lugnut has been on the wagon
ever since.
 
Mikey B & The Weezils of Doom
[Posted in FML issue 2004]