WARNING: HUMOR RECLAIMER: The following post contains offensive humor
that is bound to make at least one surly group of FMLer's angry.  I
encourage the release of that anger; it reduces stress and extends life,
and I volunteer to be the brunt of your vocal tirades.  Just remember,
you can catch the joke and laugh with me, or get mad, make a vocal fool
out of yourself, and let others laugh at you.  In any case, I apologize
beforehand for any remarks that might get stuck in your craw, especially
if you are a nurse or doctor who works in a hospital I might visit in
the near future.
 
After my recent adventures, I thought a few of you might enjoy my
scientific observations on the similarity of ferrets and experiences in
hospitals.
 
1. The reaction to a cold ferret nose in your ear canal is roughly the
same as to a cold doctor's stethoscope near your armpit.
 
2. Both ferrets and doctors are non-communicative because they didn't
evolve advanced language skills.
 
3. It is likely a ferret will steal your Jello if given half a chance.
The same can be said about nurses.  Doctors just steal your wallets,
which interestingly enough, is also something ferrets would do.
 
4. Ferrets are taught to defecate in a pan in the corner of a room.
People in the hospital are taught the same thing, except the pan is
attached to a chair with a hole in the seat.
 
5. Ferrets like to sniff each other's butts when saying hello; doctors
just rely on anal probing.
 
6. When a ferret is SND (Sleeping, Not Dead), it is unlikely it will be
disturbed when called.  When a nurse is MCB (Missing, Cigarette Break),
they will be greatly disturbed when called.  However, in both cases, you
see and hear nothing.
 
7. A ferret's nature will leave you writhing in laughter as you are left
in stitches.  A doctor's nature will leave you writhing in discomfort as
you are left in stitches.
 
8. Physicians and ferrets frequently attempt to impress passersby with
an invocation of their academic degrees; you know this because physicians
say "doc, doc, doc" and ferrets say "dook, dook, dook." The difference
is clearly in their accent.
 
9. If you disagree with a doctor, they will stare at you in blinking
disbelief.  Ferrets do the same thing, except they don't pretend to
listen.
 
10. Both ferrets and the medical profession seem to think that when you
hide what you are doing behind a thin cloth curtain, passersby will not
hear the screams of agony, nor understand exactly what is going on.
Both need to go to the First Bank of Obvious because they need a reality
check.
 
(True story: during early morning rounds, I had a covey of wannabe
doctors arranged in a semi-circle around my bed.  When the head
Witchdoctor (HMO Tribe) suggested they remove an infiltrated IV and
insert another, I sat up and bravely cried in Texan, "I've gotta warn
you; I'm a screamer."  Not a single doctor caught the joking reference
to Billy Bob's line in "The Alamo."  However, a stranger walking in the
hall and passing by my open door heard it through my privacy protecting
"sound-proofed" curtain, and laughed all the way to the elevator.)
 
BONUS: 11. Trying to get all your doctors together at one time to
discuss your medical issues is like trying to herd a hundred cats down
a crooked path--difficult, but possible.  Trying to get all your ferrets
together to discuss potty issues is like...well, yeah, like THAT could
ever happen.
 
BONUS BONUS: 12. Ferrets and doctors both seem to have a preoccupation
with tubes, dark tunnels, hidden recesses, and areas that don't normally
see the light of day.
 
BONUS BONUS BONUS: 13: When doctors don't get their own way, they scream
and make a big stink.  Ferrets do the same thing, except the stink
dissipates rapidly.
 
BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS: 14. Ferrets like to sniff their 18 holes;
doctors just like to drop their little balls in them.
 
Bob C  [log in to unmask]
[Posted in FML issue 5156]