Q: "....I never see you respond to people on the FML who flame you.  What
   is your scecret? ....I'd post more but I can't stand the flames...."
 
A: People *FLAME* me?  Really?  Gosh, now I know what "stupid satanic spawn
   of satan" means.  I thought they were talking about my breath.
 
There is no secret.  You just have to try and understand the message being
sent.  There are people who just don't know how to say what they intend,
and--with the infamous inability of people to read intention via the
internet--most of what are considered flames are really just poor
communication.  That is not always true; the world is full of jerks and
losers.  I know; I'm one myself....sometimes.  Other times I am worse.
 
There are always two important parts to any communication; the explicit and
the implicit message.  The explicit message is the message that is fully
revealed; it is expressed without vagueness, ambiguity or implication.
Well, usually, depending on one's ability to communicate in a given medium.
The explicit message does not require inference or require a great need of
understanding.  If I wrote, "My ferret is sick, what should I do?", the
explicit message is understood by all: that my ferret is sick and I need
help.
 
The implicit message is one which is not necessarily verbally revealed, but
is implied.  Like the old saying "read between the lines," the implicit
message is a hidden one, only capable of being understood if one tries to
see beyond the words to the "Meaning." To use the example above, the
explicit message was "My ferret is sick, what should I do?", but the
implicit message is "I love my ferret and I am scared and worried."
 
Last, Paula wrote that one of my posts made her very upset because she
thought I was blaming adoption for *my* desire to adopt animals.  She
might not have understood the explicit and implicit message.  The explicit
message was that I was telling people they needed to understand WHY they
may want a lot of ferrets and only with that understanding could they
decide if the risks of collecting ferrets outweighed the desire to have
them.  I then pointed out several potiental risks that face ferrets stored
away in great quantities.  To keep the post impersonal so I wouldn't hurt
anyone's feelings, I used myself as a truthful example.
 
But here was an implicit message as well.  There are far too many instances
of people collecting lots of ferrets, then finding themselves in severe
monetary or emotional need.  In these cases, the ferrets lose, the person
loses, and the people (us) who are forced to pick up the pieces, lose.  We
all lose.  My implicit message was "Think BEFORE you take in more ferrets.
Is it worth it?  Can you afford it?  Will the ferrets be happy?  Are you
placing them at risk?  IS THIS THE BEST THING FOR THE FERRET?"
 
Explicit or implicit message notwithstanding, Paula clearly had a reaction
to my post which communicated--at least to me--her deep and passionate
feelings about adoption.  So, quite honestly, I didn't see her post as a
flame as much as someone voicing a passionate opinion; at worst, someone
who's depth of feeling masked her ability to understand my message.  To me,
that's not worth getting angry about; it could happen to anyone and I know
I have done it myself.  Since I wish compassion and understanding regarding
my mistakes, I grant it to others in return.  Only under a constant assault
of betrayal and manipulation will I finally, reluctantly, shun a person.
 
The problem with the FML (a problem shared by all faceless and voiceless
means of communication) is that you cannot see the other person's face,
hear the inflection in their voice, nor observe their body language.  As a
result, you may mistake common self-confidence as arrogance, or self-worth
as being an egotist.  I think this is a common problem on the FML and
probably results in most of the flames.  Look back a while and you will see
a pattern of Mr. A saying something, Mr. B flaming them, then Mr. A saying
it was a misunderstanding.
 
However, there are some people who just will not ever keep their mouths
shut.  Like me, but not as wordy.  Some people are just rude, others are
just kick-the-dog mean, and others are simply bullies who delight in
hurting others.  Not a lot can be done about them; they have existed since
before protohominids climbed out of the trees and discovered bone marrow
would make them smart.  Fortunately, there are very few of these people on
the FML, and they are generally controlled well by BIG Bill.  But, the FML
isn't the problem; its the hateful off-list activites which is hurtful and
damaging.  Nothing you can do about that except to realize that you are
providing a useful function to an otherwise worthless life....without you,
the person would probably have nothing left to live for.  So celebrate your
existence for it keeps a loser from suicide.
 
Here are my 10 favorite ways to ignore flames:
 
1) I Fert in their general direction.
2) I wag my neckid butt at the monitor.
3) I copy the post to my clipboard, then paste and delete it 1000 times.
4) I print it up really big, stick it on the wall, then belly laugh because
   its now a "Big Problem".
5) I search the internet for a picture of the offending bum, then print it
   out on toliet paper for my offending bum.
6) I realize chronic flamers are lonely, sad, pathetic people and I
   understand the only positive thing they have in their lives is their
   intolerant meanness.
7) I remember the golden rule when I turn the cheek, compared to hell,
   flames ain't nuttin'.
8) God will whack them for me.
9) I put a flushing sound on my computer, triggered by the delete button.
10) I realize that if I think I got it bad, their families must have it
    worse.
 
Seriously, if someone offends you, why not try and work it out offlist?
Note I said offend.  That implies an emotional reaction to a post, not a
factual disagreement.  It is *NOT* a flame to say, "Injecting a ferret with
500 cc of heated mercury can be considered dangerous."  It *IS* a flame to
say, "What are you?  Stupid?  Don't you know ANYTHING *I* believe??" And
remember, everyone makes mistakes.  If you don't like being made to look
like a fool, don't do it to others.
 
Bob C and 18 Mo' Pherret Peacemakers
[Posted in FML issue 2818]