On Thu, 27 May 1999 22:36:02 -0700 XXXXXXXXXXXXXX.com> writes:
>I know you don't allow the lump to come out soon. Was wondering why?
>We just tried Bob Church's Gravy with little success. Will continue to
>try. For a man who loves to help ferret's and their owner's., why don't
>you share the lump soup? There are days I spend hours helping ferret
owner's and I am only 5months into this..
>
>Name withheld by Edward Lipinski.
The above request is typical of the many requests I've received to "share
the lump soup," as it were.
The LUMPS "soup" is described in a 15 page pamphlet. In addition to the
actual recipe there are pages devoted to the training of the ferret using
LUMPS and the philosophy behind the choices of the various ingredients
that go into the soup, sometimes including the left-overs from last nights
dinner - yep, the food stuff my wife and I eat. As a matter of fact, the
LUMPS would be perfectly acceptable as a human food as well as acceptable
food for the ferrets. I swear there are times when I know the fuzzbutts
are eating better than my wife and I eat.
I have mailed out in a large brown envelope so far 11 LUMPS pamphlets to
ferret owners all over the country. To date, the revenue from these
mailings has brought into Ferret Endowment for Research, Rehabilitation,
Education & Training Society, NorthWest, F E R R E T S, NW a smashing total
of $20.38, which I have spent on wine, women and song. That which was left
over after I got high, laid, and hoarse I put into the ferret account.
That sum was $20.38.
As you may now understand, the LUMPS pamphlet is dedicated to providing
some small income to help keep my funky ferret farm up and running.
However, most of the time it's down and just barely crawling, as am I at
the end of the day with 50 lbs of ferret P/P* to get rid of. You know how
that goes: lift that bale, tote that barge...etc.
If you value your ferret's health and longevity to the tune of $3.00 and a
SASE** I'll gladly post to you and anybody else the LUMPS pamphlet plus a
two page biography of the little, chubby ferret Santa Claus look-alike who
works his ass off for the benefit of his current 38 ferrets, one
paw-thumping fur farm mink and a beautiful talking bird who answers the
door with, "Come on in!" and once inside the bird calls, "Here kitty, here
kitty!" Much to my wife's disgust, I'm teaching the bird some US Navy
really dirty words.
The LUMPS pamphlet is copy protected and making copies without written
authorization from me personally may put you in front of a judge so you
may explain yourself.
Oh, by the way, do I understand that Julie, the ferret lady at Moonshine,
is now making some sort of soup for her ferrets, and behold this almighty
truth, that she actually gives away a free cup of the soup with every one
of the ferrets she sells. Smashing idea, that.
Now lookie here girls and boys, seems as though the idea is catching on,
ehh?
*P/P=Piss/Poop **SASE Self Addressed Stamped Envelope (a big brown one)
or add to the $3.00 in stamps (or check) 53 cents for postage. If you
send a check it's gotta clear before I ship, 'cause I ain't gonna get
screwed again out of a measley 3 bucks!
It's 0030 hours and my stern is floundering (Navy talk for my ass is
dragging) so good night, sweet dreams Mrs. Calabash, where ever you are.
Suppose you young twits are too young to have ever heard that from the
lips of that big bulb-nosed, grand old comedian, Jimmy Durante.
Edward Lipinski. Good night. Taps. See you at muster in the morning.
Smoking lamp is out!
[Posted in FML issue 2693]
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