TO:          St. Francis C/O Ferrets Forever Wayside Shelter
 LOCATION:    Just West of the Rainbow Bridge
 FROM:        God
 LOCATION:    Heaven
 RE:          Y2K Celebration
 CC:          FML
 
Dear SF,
 
Michael just flew in with your latest memo --- Great Minds think alike!
I've also been toying with the idea of throwing a 2000 bash at the Wayside;
in fact, I've already contacted a number of residents here in order to
implement my plans.  They're all very excited about joining in the
festivities -- they're practicing the parts they'll play even as I write!
As I recall, the last Millennium celebration was kind of a bust, what with
its being the Dark Ages and all, so we'll want to do this one up right.
Here's what I've come up with so far, but you and the ferrets should feel
free to provide input before we reach the finalization stage:
 
First, don't (PLEASE don't) send the ferrets running around the place with
rolls of crepe paper.  Seraphim will decorate the Bridge, Cherubim the
tables, and Andy Warhol's turning old Duck Soup cans into party favors.
 
As for catering, the Challenger crew will fly in with the Totally Ferret
supplies.  Be sure to have the meadow cleared for landing, because a number
of folks will be arriving in aircraft.  Amelia will follow in her Electra,
carrying cartons of Ferretvite and Furrotone.  I've taken the precaution
of assigning Lindy as her copilot so she doesn't pull one of her famous
ferret-like disappearing acts again.  Speaking of which, Glenn Miller's
bringing his orchestra and the champagne.  Some of the featured performers
(Buddy, Ritchie and the Big Bopper, along with Ricky Nelson and John
Denver) also plan to fly in.
 
This brings us to the entertainment portion of the program.  I figure that
the celebration should last at least 3 days, giving the ferrets plenty of
time to nap between events.  (Be sure to keep a nose count so nobody
sleeps through the whole thing -- I feel Skeeter should be given this
responsibility, with help from Professor Einstein who otherwise would have
nothing to do but the countdown.)  Gershwin's agreed to play continuous
show tunes in the Licorice Lounge -- good thing he wrote so many of them.
Elvis will perform "Jailhouse Rock" in honor of those ferrets who suffered
confiscation on earth, and Satchmo will, of course, sing "Its A Wonderful
Weasel World." John Denver'll do the strolling troubadour bit with a
repertoire including "Ferrets On My Shoulder" and "Four Strong Poofs."
Jimi and Janis are at work on a rather raunchy routine they call "Riffs &
Wails, Sniffs & Tails," and I suspect I'll have to do a little judicious
censoring.  And then there's Marilyn.  She and Lennon had a tiff because
they both wanted to do a song about diamonds.  Lennon won, and will perform
"Ferrets In The Sky Like Diamonds" in a set with "Give Paws A Chance" and
"Twist and Dook," so instead of "Diamonds Are A Jill's Best Friend,"
Marilyn's rehearsing a glitzy audience-participation production called
"We're Having A Tail Wave."  Old Blue Eyes'll sing "I Did It My Weasel
Way," and I expect I don't have to tell you what number Judy's planning on.
 
I've made some preliminary arrangements for dancing to submit for your
approval.  Glenn will conduct "String Of Pearls - Where Is It?" and "In The
Mustelid Mood."  Ricky Nelson wants to perform an updated version of "Poor
Little Fool" and dedicate it to Rudy Giuliani.  Buddy, Ritchie and the Big
B will rock on with "Oh, Hob!" and "THIS'LL Be The Day," plus their new
arrangement of "The Music NEVER Dies," after which they'll take requests.
But no rap requests, please, the boys don't dig it, and all the genuine
rappers are currently on what might tactfully be termed "probation hold."
Maybe next year.  Bob Marley'll contribute a raggae beat, to which St.
Patrick plans to lead a giant snake dance.  Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly
have volunteered to give dance lessons to those ferrets who still tend to
bounce off walls during their terpsichorean efforts, Charlie Chaplin will
divulge the secret of his famous "Weasel Walk" footwork, and Bruce Lee will
demonstrate how to leap, swivel, kick, and land gracefully on ones feet
without cracking ones chin on the dance floor.
 
Athletic competitions are also scheduled, headed up by Knute Rockney and
Vince Lombardi.  Wilma Rudolph and Jesse Owens will judge the various
racing events, Joltin' Joe and the Babe will be at bat for the ball-chasing
games, and there'll also be a mouse-chase, with Walt Disney contributing
little wind-up Mickeys.  Noah and Jonah will coordinate water sports, with
Moses pulling lifeguard duty.  Mahatma Ghandi's offered to oversee the
Rice Wallow, and Princess Diana wishes to sponsor the Kissing Contest,
with Princess Grace handing out prizes.  Diana's also suggested holding a
"Biggest Ears" contest, which I thought rather eccentric of her, but we
shall see.  "Dook" Wayne'll saddle up as trail guide for rides through the
Musk Mountains, with miniature horses for the ferrets being provided by
P.T. Barnum.
 
Keeping in mind that the start of a new millennium can be a somewhat
serious business, and that ongoing education is one of the perks of
paradise, I've arranged a free-floating lecture series.  I encourage the
ferrets to drop in on one or more of the following: Carl Sagan's slide
show on "Ferrets Of Other Planets" (boy, SF, was HE surprised!); Freud
on "Why It's Better To Be On The Couch Than In It;" Sir Edmund Hillary on
"How To Get Back Down Again;" Richard Nixon on "How NOT To Wiggle Out Of A
Burglary Charge;" Captain E.J. Smith on "The Desirability Of Slowing Down
and Looking Where You're Going;" Howard Hughes on "How To Hide Your Stash
So That No One Will Ever Find All Of It No Matter How Long They Look;" and
Yul Brynner on "Bald Is Beautiful."  (The latter may be of special interest
to those ferrets who had adrenal problems on earth.)  In addition, Buddha
will moderate a discussion group on the continuing body-type controversy,
and Andy Kaufman will wrap up the series with an extremely brief overview
of Attention Deficit Disorder.
 
I wanted to assign professional newspaper reporters to cover the
celebration for the "Nirvana Newsletter," but discovered there's a
distinct shortage of them in heaven (indeed, of writers of any kind), so
I'm equipping my old reliables, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, with press
passes and sending them over.  Please discourage the ferrets from swiping
their quill pens.
 
Now for the New Year's Eve banquet: Linda McCartney's whipping up a dish
she calls Heavenly Vegan Delight to accompany the TF and other ferret
treats, and St. Paul's baking an enormous raisin cake.  Eve'll hand out
apple chips for dessert.  I've taken the liberty of arranging for some
special guests to attend.  Martin Luther King's on tap for the invocation,
and various members of the Kennedy family have agreed to put in an
appearance, with Jack (tentatively) consenting, just this once, to wear a
silly hat in public.  The Table of Honor, of course, will be reserved for
those shelter operators, vets and private owners who've recently reunited
with their ferrets and crossed with them over the Bridge to heaven.  They
and their ferrets look forward to rejoining their old friends for the
festivities and showing off their new wings and halos.  I myself plan to
appear, along with my son and his mother, shortly before midnight to wish
you all a Happy New Millennium and deliver the benediction before Albert
begins the countdown.  At the stroke of midnight, Gabriel and Satchmo will
perform a trumpet duet, "When The Ferts Go Marching In" to accompany a
Group Hug & Kiss.
 
Shortly after midnight, when the pandemonium has faded a bit and warm
fuzzy-thoughts turn to those left behind, I think it would be a good idea
if the ferrets were allowed to send messages to their folks on earth to
assure them of their happiness.  I hit on Saint Joan as the perfect choice
for Communications Director, and she's over at the Versace Boutique right
now being fitted for a new gown, since her old one still has some scorch
marks from that terrible misunderstanding.  Versace's a busy man these
days -- he's also designing party hats for the ferrets.  He keeps sending
St. Peter frantic requests for more velcro.  By the way, SF, don't worry
about the post-party mess.  I've come to an unprecedented agreement with
my Chief Competitor as to cleanup.  In return for 2000 tons of ice cubes,
Satan's agreed to grant a work release to California Fish & Game officials
to do poop pick-up.
 
You do realize, SF, that there's a general consensus that the new
millennium really begins in 2001, and we'll have to do the whole thing
over again.  That's cool, there's still a lot of talent up here to draw on.
That reminds me, Kubrick'll be filming the festivities for video release.
When you get your copy, please ask the ferrets not to hide it.
 
Well, SF, these are my plans as they stand now.  Like I said, consult the
ferrets for their input and get back to me A.S.A.P.  One last thing -- I
don't wish to interfere in any way with your disciplinary duties, but I'd
like to point out that many of the guests will be wearing sandals.
Including me.  So I'd appreciate it if you'd have a little heart-to-heart
with any inveterate toe-nippers.  I don't intend to learn the Tooth Tango
at my age.  And no beard pulling.
 
Dooks,
-GOD-
[Posted in FML issue 2810]