Howdy,
 
I just wanted to add my thoughts to the subject of ferrets and babies
crying.  For convenience I have dubbed the phenomenon Ferret-Infant Response
Syndrome, mostly because it has a cool acronym: FIRS.  I hope this will be
an intelligent (and maybe even erudite) discussion.  I have seen this
myself, heard about it first-hand from other people, and have heard plenty
of second-hand, anecdotal stories.  I feel this is enough to warrant a
closer look at the subject, as Ed Lipinski previously suggested.  (While I
don't agree with some of the things Ed has put forth, I do agree with his
basic premise that this is a situation that could be looked at more
closely.)
 
First, what I mean by FIRS.  FIRS is the adverse reaction some ferrets
appear to have to certain noises, most notably baby cries but also certain
squeak toys and other high-pitched noises such as wiping off a mirror after
a shower.  When confronted with these sounds, certain ferrets, who normally
may be very docile, display peculiar behavior ranging from severe agitation
to all-out aggressiveness resulting in bloodied fingers, toes, ankles, etc.
I have put together a list of the most plausible and widely accepted reasons
for FIRS.  (I threw out reason #4 which was alien implants that react to
high pitched noises by releasing aggressive hormones into the ferret's
bloodstream because the only people who believed it were me and some guy in
Yazoo City.)
 
1. Predator/Prey Reaction: It has been put forth that the high pitched
noises resemble the death cry of certain prey animals.  This causes a
dormant instinct in the ferret to surface and the ferret acts like most
carnivorous predators and attacks what it perceives to be the prey in hopes
of a meal.
 
2. Maternal/Paternal/Stashing: The high pitched noises is heard by the
ferret as a kit in distress.  The ferret then attacks whatever is causing
the distress.  Another possibility is the ferret wants to haul the "kit" to
a safe place to protect it, thereby causing injury to the offending object
(hand, baby's face, etc) when the frustrated ferret can't haul it off.
 
3. Pain: High pitched noises are painful to the ferret's ears and it
attacks simply to stop the noise and relieve the pain.
 
I fully realize that there are pros and cons to each of these reasons.  Each
one is largely an untested hypothesis.  The fact is, we don't actually know
the true cause of FIRS.  I would like to submit a possible plan for
determining the cause of FIRS.  But first, I have to ask, is it really
necessary to know *why* FIRS occurs or is it enough to simply know that it
does occur?  Will knowing the cause of FIRS aid us in dealing with it?  Is
it necessary to go through the trouble of actually determining a cause?  I
would say yes, if only to understand what goes on in the head of our fuzzy
little terrors.  It would also relieve some of the debate on the topic.
 
First, the behavior of our ferrets' wild cousins should be observed.  If we
can determine the root cause of reactions in the wild, we will gain
information which we can correlate to certain instincts that our ferrets
display.  I would assume the polecat would be the best candidate for this
stage of the experiment, but I am not a biologist, so I am not qualified to
make this determination.  It may be possible that BBF, mink or other weasely
critter would suffice just as well.  Basic natural behavior in the wild will
give us a baseline to start from.  Then the wild critter can be exposed to
some situation which is known to induce FIRS and observe the results.  By
comparing this behavior to the baseline behavior of the wild ferret-type
thing, we should, hopefully, be able to determine the driving factor behind
FIRS.  Then, armed with this knowledge, we would duplicate the procedure on
the domesticated ferret.  The results, when compared with the observations
of the wild critter, should show a natural instinct rising to the surface of
the domesticated ferret's psyche which will be the driving force behind
FIRS.  I believe that either reason #1 or #2 would clearly show up as said
driving force.  Any ambiguity not clearly defining #1 or #2 would point to
#3 as the possible answer and further testing may be necessary.
 
In observing the wild "ferret", it may be necessary to use unnatural means
to obtain the needed observations.  Specifically, a recording of a death cry
from a prey animal and/or of a distressed kit(or someone skilled in making
these noises).  This way, we could observe it's behavior in both of the
first two cases stated above.  In order to produce the situation to induce
FIRS, we could use A) a squeak toy of the appropriate pitch and a hand
and/or B) a crying baby.  The toy and hand idea I believe is plausible
except you would have to be willing to take damage on your hand.  Using a
crying baby is obviously out of the question, so I think it would be
possible substitute a life-like doll or mannequin outfitted with a speaker
so as to emit the proper sounds.  This would permit the experiment to take
place with the minimum of human blood being drawn.  An additional test might
be done using a device that emits a variable pitch to determine the ranges
at which FIRS takes place.
 
Well, there is my plan submitted here for the approval of my peers.  Please
feel free to agree, disagree, pick it apart or patch up holes as you see
fit.  I realize that I am not a biologist or an animal behaviorist.  It
has been a while since school and the last time I practiced scientific
methodology, and I recognize that I left out some important things like
control groups and sample sizes.  But I hope you get the gist of what I am
presenting.  I also realize what an undertaking this would be.  I would be
happy to try this but I am lacking certain necessary items: a wild ferrety
animal, a crying baby, time, and money.  The best I could do would be to
run around to people's houses squeaking toys at their ferrets.
 
Thank you & Good day,
Limejello & The Weezils of Doom
 
"A skeptic is the only person who truly believes anything is possible"
[Posted in FML issue 2264]