Thoughts Upon Seeing "The Wizard of Oz" For About the 50th Time:
 
If A Ferret Had Played Toto:
 
- He'd have had to be glued to the seat of that piece of farm equipment
while Dorothy sang "Over the Rainbow," or else he'd have climbed all over
it in the background shots, stuck his nose in her mouth, pulled the ribbon
off one of her braids, then leaped down and chased Auntie Em's chickens
all over the barnyard.  Audiences would never have noticed the song.
 
- He wouldn't have waited until Miss Gulch was way down the road to leap
out of her bicycle basket.  He'd have escaped at least three times before
she even reached the front gate and she'd have suffered a coronary trying
to stuff him back in.  There'd be a chorus of "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead"
and the movie would be over.
 
- When he and Dorothy ran away from home and met the fortune teller, he
would've grabbed the fortune teller's hot dog and run under the wagon to
hide it.  Dorothy would've crawled under the wagon to find him and the
cyclone would've passed over them.  End of story.  Similarly, when the
cyclone caught Dorothy in the farmhouse, the ferret would've dashed beneath
the bed or into a bureau drawer and she'd have been so busy looking for him
she wouldn't have had time to look out the window and get clobbered.
Again, end of story.
 
- When they landed in Munchkin City, he'd have gotten into a wrestling
match with the mini-mayor and ended up sentenced to the pound.  When Good
Witch Glinda showed up to bail him out, he'd have chased her bubble around,
crawled up under her big skirt, and snatched her wand.  Everything would've
degenerated into chaos, Billie Burke would've sued, and MGM would've
scrapped the project.
 
- He would've been just fine at the start of the yellow brick road when it
went around in circles, but wouldn't have been able to stay on it once it
straightened out.  Dorothy would've had to improvise a very short leash
from her remaining braid-ribbon and spend the rest of the movie hunched
over with messy hair.
 
- He'd have made a comfy bed out of the Scarecrow and chased the Cowardly
Lion's tail until the Lion decided to renege on his contract.  He'd most
likely have been scared of the Tin Man clanging around like that, however,
and would've run into the forest to hide, thereby causing all sorts of
cost overruns as union extras attempted to lure him out with squeaky toys.
 
- He would've nibbled one of the poppies in the Poppy Field and cost MGM
about $14,000 in vet's bills. (In 1939 dollars)
 
- When filming resumed in the Emerald City, he would've explored behind the
"Wizard's" curtain the FIRST time and all would be revealed two-thirds of
the way into the movie, leading to general confusion and poor reviews.
 
- As to what would happen if a ferret were actually confronted by a Flying
Monkey, the expense would be ruinous for any movie studio, not to mention
the public outrage.
 
- If Dorothy, locked in a room of the witch's castle, sent him to lead
her friends to her rescue, he'd have excellent intentions, but would feel
compelled to check out a few castle corners on his way.  The drawbridge
would be raised, the hourglass would run out, Dorothy would die and, again,
the reviews would be pretty bad.
 
- When Dorothy threw a bucket of water on the witch, a few drops might
accidentally have fallen on the ferret and there'd be total hell to pay.
(Remember Letterman?)
 
- After they woke up in bed back on earth and everyone tried to convince
Dorothy it was only a dream, she'd naturally look down at her feet for the
ruby slippers.  Seeing them gone, she'd realize her Kansas kin were right.
The next day she'd find one of the slippers shoved halfway down her laundry
hamper and the other one in the pigsty.
[Posted in FML issue 3246]