Dear Nancy;
 
    My heart aches at you describing your loss.  Besides losing my entire
birth family a few years ago, this April I lost my Squeeky, my oldest ferret
of 6 years, who just passed on in her sleep.  In a way it was perhaps
"easier" than other ways, as my Son said, "she went at home, in her sleep,
with her family, which is perhaps the "best" way we could think of having to
leave".  Earlier this week we went thru 6 vets dealing with my Son's cat
Nermal's cancer....  It caused bleeding internally that made breathing
difficult.  The last day I was getting the car ready to take her in & drain
the chest again, (the 4th time in 3 weeks), and when I got back into the
kitchen, she was sitting on all 4's with her head propped on a chair leg,
eyes open, seeming to be just resting, but not breathing at all.
 
    Panic, hold downward to drain, mouth to mouth, an 80mph ride to the
vets, they tried for 10 minutes, but it just was "her time"...  2 days b4 I
had the second conversation saying to her that if she & God decided it was
time, that I was giving permission, though I knew I'd be crying, but we
didn't want her to suffer.  Perhaps that is how it went, though I was
wondering, if "I'd do it an hour sooner, etc.." The first lab exam said
nothing would culture, which meant the colloidal silver I was giving her was
dooing it's job, then I read a report saying there was clear yelow fluid
saying the lymph nodes also had tumors, as well as the spleen, and had
spread to the chest causing the bleeding.  I was really beating myself up
then, thinking the bleeding had changed to the clear fluid..  I re read the
report, and it said this was in the abdomin..  no word about the chest..  So
I called the lab & asked the attending tech., and he said yes, the chest was
full of blood...
 
    The strange thing, was looking back at her records, (she was 12), is
that for some 3 years the vets noted the labored breathing, but we all
though it was like an allergy, causing sinus type labor..  All I can do now
is try to learn from it to better help someone else.  My cat Jimmy, is 2
years older, and does a lot of wondering around & meowing like if she's
trying to find Nermal.  I'm really struggling whether to get another cat as
companion, as I don't want Jimmy to feel "left out" or something negative..
My Son lives in a different state now, being 26, so there's just me at home
now.  I have gone to a homeopathic vet with Jimmy, and have some drops for
the grief that he immediately could see that Jimmy was suffering from.  I
think maby I'll ask him for some more for me.
 
    As it feels like I'm starting to ramble, I'm just trying to say, yes, we
will never love another like we do someone who passes on..  Also, despite
all we do, sometimes it's just not in the cards, or whatever, that that time
has just come..  I think I worry less about my dying some day than my four
legged children, they mean that much to me.  My two legged ones are on their
own, with their own lives.
 
    I'm the one with Timmy who is recovered from the "terminal lymphoma", so
I did not have a fear at the word cancer, and that's why I tried so hard
with Nermal, even though the first vet said when he looked at the xray, "I
don't know why this cat is alive now"...  Thank God and several of his
helpers, Timmy is still very active & healthy though still only eating the
Whiskas Kit Nips, and the recipe I have to still hold him to take.  He won't
"compete" if anyone else is trying to eat from the same dish.  Lately I even
hae to have him lick it off my finger or use a syringe like last night, but
this may be because I switched from Gerbers' to organic, which has apples in
it, so I may have to add a bit more clover honey until he gets used to it.
I have that nagging question, like hoping he's not going backwards in some
way, since I have had so much death to deal with.  It gets to feeling like
everybodies dying...
 
    Grief I've come to understand is different not only for each person, you
& I, but each time a passing happens, as the circumstances and personalities
& exact type of relationship is different.  It will take what time it will
take, and don't let anyone ever "rush" you or tell you "what it's supposed
to be like".  It's hard enough without getting into the thing of "oh, am I
doing this wrong too, etc.."
 
    I know I spent so much time & energy, not to mention $$, with Nermal,
that after she passed on I was just completely exhausted.  It has made me
more aware to look for what could be early warning signs, but I know we can
get paranoid with too much worring also.
 
    Take care, be gentle with yourself, I know Perny & Bree want that for
you, as they do and forever will love you very much.  They have no pain now,
and are surrounded by unlimited love...  It's we who are left that have pain
still to deal with, day by day..
 
        Sincerely, Gary
 
Violence is not strength,  Compassion is not weakness.    From Camelot.
[Posted in FML issue 1331]