A few days ago The Oracle was asked for some advice by a little girl
named Isabeau.  And suddenly the Clan McKrakin Ferrets are after her
Royal Auraness!  Well, things have been hot and heavy in the highlands of
Scotland's ferret clans, and these e-mails are what's been transpiring.
Any one with a clan that would like to jump in on either side, or even
one Highlander Ferret, please do so.  Seems that Clan McKrakin, Clan War
Weasel, and the Clan McFarlane Ferrets are really going to be skirling
the war pipes soon!
 
::out of breath and ready to drop over on the ground from sheer
exhaustion is a ferret dressed in the tartan of the Clan McFutzle.
 
Oh Great Ferret Oracle of the Mystical Realm of Futzles I am here to warn
you of an uprising in the Highlands of Scotland.  The Clan McKrackin' is
in an uproar because the daughter of The Most High has seeked the
information of The Great Oracle of the Mystical Futzle Realm and now she
refuses to marry the son of a warring clan.  The King is outraged at you,
Oh Great Oracle.  He says he will not rest until he has your cape and
your legendary poofing arse on a silver platter.  I, Mookie-Rex McFutzle,
come to give you warning that the Clan McKrackin' is gatherin his armies
as we speak to come after you and lure you into a trap at this time and
date............
::a noise is heard and Mookie-Rex McFutzle smells a scent very familiar
to him which makes his tail bottlebrush instantly.  He dashes off faster
then a speeding raisin rolling down a 24 ft. see thru tunnel and all is
silent.
 
What will happen is yet to be.  The Great Ferret Oracle of the Mystical
Futzle Realm must draw all her powers to her and figure out what she is
going to do now!  Diane
 
Beware of Clan War Weasels!  And oh yeah, beware of Clan McKrackin'.
Beware ye wolfwoman when ye mess around with a Scotswoman.  Ye will be
hearing the lilting music of bagpipes in your sleep, that is if ye dare
to sleep!
 
Dear Sisters of The Most High,
 
It is my belief that The Great Ferret Oracle is under an evil spell cast
by the Clan of McKrackin'.  His seers are very powerful and The Great
Oracle is showing signs of going over the edge.  Very negative vibes are
emanating from her that are being felt through-out the world of the
mystical realm.  Something must be done.  I am calling forth all my
forces from the realm of The Most High including the Heirophant and the
High Priestess.  Wolfers must be cleansed or her advice could start a
major catostrophic temperal displacement in the time continuum.  If this
happens, Earth as we know it will cease to exist.  My advice is to go to
step one: Burn white candles every night from 10pm-12pm and place a scrap
of blue velvet approximately 2 inches by 2 inches at the 15 minute marker
of the candle.  Like looking at a clock.  This is step one.  The rest I
will get as my seers and The Mighty Spinx of Giza himself instruct me.
 
Yours In Spirit,
Diana, Goddess of the Hunt Diane
 
Ack, sure and it tis, this be Prince Mookie, 2nd in the male leaders
of the Clan McFarlane Ferrets, protectors of the great Oracle!  Twas in
the readin of the FML today that we, Clan McFarlane, saw that the Clan
McKrakin ferts did threatin our fair oracle!  I also noted that the
leader of this clan was named Mookie, but 'tis bettin' I am that I be
the elder of tha two!  Twould be our leader, Calvin, who should be tha
spokes-ferret for us, but he's been a wee bit under the weather, and has
designated that I should be speakin' for all of us.  We canna be havin'
another clan threatenin' our great Oracle, and then tis seein' her grand
advice bein' taken out of context.  Oracle, why dinna ye tell Isabeau she
could come be a member of our Crew.  We lads dinna know why tha boys get
around her and start shakin'!  Maybe they're tryin a highland fling with
her.
 
And who's the bloody sphinx of Giza-a new kind of ferret in another
clan???  Ach, sure and I think one of the laddies is tuning up his bag
pipes, and we're marchin' off ta war against the Sasenach cats!  I must
be goin for now, but all beware, the Clan McFarlane Ferrets are
protectors of her ladyship the Oracle!  Bring on yer claymores, Clan
McKrackin!
 
The Crew of Merry Mayhem, aka Clan McFarlane Ferrets
 
Ack, the Clan McKrackin' says ye shall pay for these words of blasphemy
to be takin' in a Greek Oracle and ye being Scottish.  Traitoris dirt ye
are and to be callin' yourself Scottsman.  McKrackin' is now your sworn
enemy and you shall see what a REAL Highlander can do when angered.  Your
lands are now ours and your wenches ours to do as we please with.  The
Clan McFutzle is also our enemy and this is where Mookie-Rex resides.  Ye
shall see.  There can only be one and may it be the Clan McKrackin' ye
fools ye.  And the Great Sphinx of Giza ye be not a knowin'?  Good God
man, are ye that daff?  Warn yer Mookie as the Mookie-Rex of the McFutzle
Clan is our enemy also.  We will strike when ye least expect.
-- The Clan McKrackin'
 
 
Touch down!  Moooooove the chains!  -- The Oracle
 
 
Ack yes, the chains shall be moved, around your wretched oracle neck.
How dare you put a spell on the Clan McFarlane?  You are in deep poop,
Oracle.  The Clan McKrackin' has powerful sources at his hands that make
your powers look like a cheap rendition of David Copperfield and Miss.
Cleo balled into one.  Better up your dosage of meds ye wench.
McKrackin' says he aims to see what is under them robes of yours when ye
are caught.  Bagpipes are playing 24 - 7 and soon they will be heard in
the land of Chattanooga, Tennesee, Home of The Rednecks and The
Blaspehmous Oracle.  The Clan McKrackin'
 
 
Ack, Clan McKrackin!  Real highlanders???  Not only are we McFarlanes our
mum is Campbell, dinna worry about insultin us!  We've been insulted
before, and we're not traitors!!  Ah, ye canna be takin our land-the
McFarlanes lost their land there in Scotland quite a wee time ago, and
there's enuff of the Campbell's ta be fightin ye!  Ye canna take our
lasses, their fiercer fighters than some of us laddies, trust me.  Try
them, they'll whip yer wee butts back to the hills.  Of course there can
be only one, and it be our Mookie, tis such a sad thought ye have that
yer Mookie-Rex is the only one.  And ye blame us for takin' in a Greek
Oracle?  Tis a Tennessee Oracle, ye silly gits!  Ye be takin' in an
EGYPTIAN Sphinx, ye be as bad as ye call us!  We'll be waitin, and we
will not be taken unawares!  We'll be tellin' our mum, Rebecca, to watch
the 'puter for ye.  Clan McFarlane
 
 
I have contacts ya know.  Many many contacts.  I have this one contact in
Oregan, her ferret is said to be able to catapult octopi clear to the
gulf.  I have this other contact... a Canadian... who is said to have a
ferret that can heave cats upon your porch!  Wolfy, The Oracle
 
 
Heave cats onto someones porch???  Octopi extensions also?  My my,
Wolfers, I think you need to up your med dosage!  LOL.  You know I
actually bought me a license plate with the Scotland flag on it and am
gonna put it on the front of my car.  This is too rich.  I love this
whole Oracle Clan thing.  The real Krackin' is not feeling too well
today.  He is saying something about bad kibble sent to him from
Tennessee in the disguise of an offering of peace.  The entire Clan is
wanting to know who this McFarlane wench is also.  They now have the
Oracle and the Clan McFarlane on their hit list.  Ack, revenge is mine,
sayeth Krackin' McKrackin'.  But first he has to get over his diarrhea.
In the meantime, his daughter Isabeau is wanting to meet any member of
the McFarlane Clan to get her out of the situation she is now in.  She
said she has had it with the McKrackin's and that her father, as much as
she loves him, is insane and she must flee.  So she is going to send out
secret messages to Clan McFarlane.  She wants to meet some young
strapping Scotsman futzle who can do her justice and she said the
McKrackin's just do not cut it.
--Diane
 
 
Excuse the interruption.  This is a test of the emergency broadcast
system.  If this was a true emergency, this space would be filled with
specific instructions of what to do in case of a clan invasion.  (Three
ferrets, all wearing kilts of different plaids, have just interrupted the
computer operator.)
 
This concludes our test of the emergency broadcasting system.  back to
our story.]
 
 
Aye, now ye be accusin' our dear Tennessee Oracular lady of sending
Krackin'bad kibble!!!!!!!  Isna a chance that his daughter, Isabeau,
might have slipped somethin to him in retaliation for this arranged
marriage he's trying?  And be telling the Lady Isabeau that Clam
McFarlane Ferrets are more than willin' ta rescue her from her terrible
situation!  Come the next full moon (aka McFarlane's lantern) we'll be
there to whisk her off in a raid that we do so well.  We be sending along
a picture of our young, strappin laddy, Gandalf, for the Lady Isabeau's
review.  There's a few other strappin' young laddies here too!  Highland
Rebecca, the writer for Clan McFarlane Ferrets
 
 
Isabeau waits for the next full moon and says get her the hell out of
McKrackin' territory.  She is already taken with the pic of Gandalf The
Fair Lady McFarlane sent her and she will send one to him of her when I
get home tonight from the library.  She says she believes she is a
McFarlane ferret that was kidnapped when she was a wee kit by the
McKrackin's in a cattle raid that took place.  She says she has always
suspected this from the time she did her first war dance.  It had a
McFarlane flair to it and not a McKrackin' one.  So she is ready and
waiting.  She sends Gandalf kisses and ear groomings.
 
Highland Rebecca, chronicler of the Ferret Clan Wars, slave to the Crew
of Merry Mayhem, aka Clan McFarlane Ferrets
 
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy, and
 taste good with ketchup"
"Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have"
[Posted in FML issue 3962]