So, it's been 11 days since Scooter died.  Somehow I have made it through
these days.  It seems like it's been at least a month- yet, I have been
in such a fog most of the time that I don't even remember most of what I
have been doing in the past week and a half... I had to go back to work
and I almost have to block off a part of my brain in order to get through
the work day and interact with people, etc.  It feels like a mask and
suit I put on in the morning, and it's actually hard to take off after
work- I feel like a robot sometimes, just presenting this outside face to
the world when I need to to get along.  And sometimes, I just can't seem
to tap back into the other part of my brain and my emotions and grief
very easily, even though I want and need to... Part of me feels like I'm
making progress, but some of what seems like progress is really the fact
that I have had to compartmentalize my brain to go back to functioning in
the real world.  I m both amazed at my ability to do this and saddened
that I need to stop thinking about Scooter in order to function.  I can't
sit at work and cry or even think of Scooter, because then I couldn't get
anything done.  So I find myself almost "turned off" emotionally to get
through the day, and it's hard getting in touch with my feelings again at
night.
 
I feel like I'm only functioning at about 40%, but had to return to work
and life and hit the ground running at 110%.  Before Scooter died I was
having a terrible time keeping my head above water with work and life in
general.  Now I'm just moving along like a zombie.
 
I feel guilty for not thinking about Scooter as much every day this week,
not mourning him.  I sometimes just can't let myself think of him b/c I
need to do things, or work, or because I'm just plain worn out.  I hope
he understands.  I wish I could take another week off and write more,
think more and complete some of these projects I've started like his
garden.  I guess it will have to wait til the weekend, though I really
really want to make time every day to think of him.  It's a little
unsettling to go from thinking about him constantly, crying, pouring
my feelings out in email, etc.  last week to barely having any time to
think about my baby.  I can't do it halfway- I have to be "present" to
do my work, etc., you know?
 
I found a pet loss support group at an SPCA in the area and went last
night.  They went around the table and had us share our stories.  They
started with me... I opened my mouth and out came a sob.  But after I
took a breath and told everyone about how Scooter died I didn't cry again
for the whole session.  Others cried.  I just felt numb.  And I wondered
what I was doing there, whether they all thought I was just emotionally
handicapped or something- someone at the end as we were walking out
actually told me "not to be afraid" to cry.  If she only knew!  I've
cried so much maybe I don't have any tears left right now.
 
I'm still in "auto-mode" today.  The group was nice- it was nice to talk
to and listen to people with similar losses in a place where it was
completely understood that these losses are huge and we all need to
grieve over them.  We all shared similar feelings, no matter whether our
pets had an accident or were put to sleep- guilt, "what-ifs", longing
to see and hold our dear pets again, etc.  The need to do some kind of
ritual or have something to remember them by.  I'm glad I went; I have
planted more flowers around Scooter's tree, too, and will do some more
of that this weekend.  I put his picture out there with me while I was
planting, but I felt really detached from him.  Maybe slowing down a bit
this weekend will give me some dedicated time to think about Scooter.
Because when I don't think about him, it feels disrespectful, or I get
worried his memory is going to fade from my mind if I'm not thinking
about him constantly.
 
I splurged on some things last week- the tree for Scooter's garden (a
beautiful reddish/purple Japanese Maple), some flowers to plant, and a
wind chime to hang in the arbor above the garden.  I also bought myself
the 2003 Ferret calendar, which we hadn't bought this year for some
reason; just felt a need to get back in touch with anything about
ferrets that I can.
 
My brain is exhausted and needs a break- maybe that's where some of this
is coming from.  Grieving is HARD work.  Emotionally draining.  I hope
Scooter forgives me for not thinking of him as much this week.  I know
I'm not "over" his death yet, but I just feel so empty and removed right
now.
 
I still don't think my husband will ever show much emotion again about
Scooter.  He has gone on from it, or put it away in his mind, while
I'm stuck.  I wish he grieved more like me so we could do it together.
Though, he surprised me the other day- I had asked him last week if there
was a way I could take a piece of a web site he built, and post pictures
of Scooter on it to email to people.  He said yes, but it would be a lot
of work.  I didn't have time to do it so I left it at that, but when I
got home the other day he showed me that he had built something- so that
I "could look at Scooter from wherever I am," at work, home, etc.  and
also share him with others through these pages:
http://southbaydogparks.org/scooter/
Now, that surprised me that he had done that.  He has moments of
intuitively knowing things to do for me during this time, for which I
am grateful.
 
Anyway- I'm going to bed now, and hope I can hear Scooter's windchime
outside our window.  I like to think that every time it chimes, he is
looking down, checking up on me and just thinking about me.
 
Thanks for listening,
 
Jaime
 
(with Freddy & Peanut; Cody & Teddy (our 2 dogs, but they love the
ferrets), missing Scoots-Comma-A-Baby (Scooter) very much
[Posted in FML issue 4144]