This morning I awoke dreading another day with this new constant dull pain
in my heart, facing depressing paperwork, lawyer exchanges, and general
mental chaos, all due to the recent death of my dear mother.  I had to put
my Dad into a home for dementia, and he keeps asking me when my mother will
be back from the store.  These are things many of us have to face, but I
can't find room in my cluttered head to make sense of any part of any day.
I have been irrational and angry, sort of like being in a state of constant
PMS.  I have not been centered or normal since she died.  I have cried
daily the surface tears of anger, frustration, and stress, but haven't
allowed the mourning tears for her leaving me to come out.
 
Today I opened my e mail to write more dreaded legal letters.  Words
cannot express what happened to me, this temporarily insane woman with the
temporary empty heart, upon finding letters and notes from very dear FMLers
sending their hugs and hopes my way.  (Lisette's been whispering I hear;
that wonderful woman whose only mission in life is to make it better...and
she always does)
 
Because of you people, my whole situation turn around today.  As I saw your
names and read your notes, the REAL release I needed poured out; the kind
that I talked about when I lost little Fang; the kind that comes from the
very bottom of who you are.  What you did for me directly was help me cry;
what you did for me indirectly was even better: you reminded me of the good
in life, rock bottom and underlined.  Since I have been gone from this
list, I have missed so much your sharing and your compassion.  I do not
say this lightly; I have never known of so many good people all in one
place as you guys.
 
I was tending a garden of dead weeds when I woke this morning, and you
were the flowers that bloomed for me instead.  My heart is full again
because of you, and a rainbow has erased the darkness in my soul.
 
love from lizzi who collects urns
[Posted in FML issue 3453]