A new member joined the FLO rebel party this week. Rebel "Curtis", an 8
week old bibbed sable kit, is still undergoing basic training. We are
disconcerted that the initiate seems to be well litter-trained. Continued
box "hits" may lead to disiplinary action within the FLO.
Agent Curtis was found languishing in a Human POW camp. Under cover of
darkness, FLO Commander Dodger was able to violate the structural integrity
of the prison, and break out the kit. Curtis gratefully spit-polished the
Commander's ears, and was then immediately incorporated in the rebel
training program. The new operative was given a thorough tour of the couch,
and was invited to spend the night there, in Dodger's private quarters.
Curtis received his first mission that evening. Comander Dodger had
reported the arrival of a plastic crate of foil-wrapped chocolate truffles,
sent to the local Humans by outside Human sympathisers. A two-ferret FLO
team was able to disassemble the crate, and successfully removed 9 truffles.
Three were partially consumed; all remnants were moved to storage.
Rigourous training recommenced at 0600 hours the next morning, with a ground
strike against Human toes in the bitterly disputed Futon Region of the
Bedroom. The FLO have successfully reduced the FDI presence in that region;
however, FDI troops have claimed the Sweater Shelves, opening our troops to
arial attacks. The Humans have been contesting the FDI Sweater Shelf
occupation, and hopefully, the FDI will soon be entirely eradicated from the
area. The FLO is pleased to confirm occupation of the Kitty Bed Region of
the Bedroom. Supplies have now been stored in the foundations of the
structure.
Successful assaults against both the Humans and FDI in this past week puts
all FLO members in peril. FLO terrorists have removed all the chewy buttons
from the Human's Call Display Telephone Radar equipment. The Humans are no
longer able to tell if incoming phone attacks are originating from the homes
of their Parental Humans. The local Human population is now bitter and edgy.
In a spectacular effort, an expedition party set out at sunset, Wednesday,
determined to be the first all-ferret party to conquer the Cat Tree. The
FLO sponsored expediton suffered many setbacks, as team members repeatedly
fell off the carpeted mountain faces. Air temperatures fell rapidly. The
FLO party reached an elevation of 3 feet at 2300 hours.
Expedition leader Dodger ordered the party to halt at the 3-foot mark,
fearing an encounter with the relentless Catsquatch. This vile beast, known
in America as the Abominable Snowcat, and in Europe as Cati, has previously
only been sighted at elevations greater than 4 feet. Catsquatch, with
animal rage, has been known to hurl explorers off of the treacherous
mountain slopes to their deaths. The party was forced to curl up and camp
for the night in the frigid 74 F (23 C) night air.
A one-unit Human rescue team discovered the stranded FLO members as the
human progressed to the bathroom at 0115 Thursday. The expedition members
would have certainly died from exposure or starvation had the rescue team
not arrived. This unexpected act of Human goodwill has lead the FLO to
reaffirm the 1995 FLO-Human peace treaty.
FLO activities against the FDI will continue. Our new recruit will be
versed in the following tactics within the next month:
1. Psychological Warfare, including F.I.C.A., or Ferret-Induced Cat
Anorexia, and Feline Sleep Deprivation. Our research shows that there is
a causal relationship between FLO activities and chronic Tail Severance
Anxiety in Felines. A new study is underway to confirm these findings.
2. Chemical Warfare tactics. The United Species has not condemned our
use of Ferret Body Odours on Felines or places of Feline residence. The
defoliation compound Agent Sable may be applied to pots of Cat Grass,
rendering them unpalatable to felines. Both techniques have shown great
promise. (The FLO, however, still favours manual defoliation techniques.)
As well, FLO rebels are encouraged to use the Feline Latrines, provided
that their work is placed prominently in an open area.
The Guelph FLO has received many communiquees from outside rebel forces. We
are at turns encouraged and disconcerted. Our forces have not yet
encountered a CKP unit, as reported by Agent Whidbey. However, our branch
did encounter a small scale Human, perfectly formed yet less agile, and
probably only as intelligent as a CKP, this week.
We have termed these beasts "Sub-Humans" due to their small stature. They
are not deemed to be a threat, but we are heartened to learn that the local
Humans do not intend to cultivate a Sub-Human population in the area at this
time.
Reports of Human War Crimes against the FLO have lead Commander Dodger to
issue this statement:
"The FLO has documented the use of the evil Long Hosed Sucky Thing since the
inception of our Organization. As the valiant Agent Schnitzel reports, our
only defence against this beast is offence."
"Like the Long Hosed Water-Squirty Thing, (used by Humans to inflict Soapy
Water Torture on FLO members--particularly members of the Chemical Warfare
unit), the device must be mechanically incapacitated. All FLO branches must
note that the pieces of both devices have structural value. It is our
intent here in Guelph to build a Ferretone pipeline from components of slain
Long Hosed Things. All available parts are being stored in the Couch, and
FLO engineers have begun modifying the parts for our intended use."
"Humans guard their technology zealously, and have been known to raid FLO
base camps to unfairly "reclaim" items impounded by the FLO. It is
imperative that newly acquired items be secreted in remote, guarded camps."
"No operative should question the utility of an item. It is FLO procedure
to acquire any portable item. Items may be turned over to the labs for
examination, if neccessary, after acquisition."
"Further directives will be posted in the near future. As always, FLO
branch members are encouraged to share tactics through this relay.
Dodger out."
/Lynn.
[Posted in FML issue 1483]
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