Letter to My Pets:
 
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.
 
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food.  All other
dishes are mine and contain my food.  Please note that placing your paw
print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it
YOUR plate and food.
 
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Beating
me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help in your
quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
 
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  I am very sorry
about this.  Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch
to ensure your comfort.
 
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the
fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
 
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge of the door and try to pull it open.  I must exit through
the same door I entered.  Honest.
 
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time --
canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
 
I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me, THEN go smell the other
dog's/cat's behind.
 
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following notice on
our front door:
 
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets
 
1. The pets live here.  You don't.
 
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why it's called "fur"niture.)
 
3. To you, our pets are just animals.  To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't
speak clearly.
 
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because: - they don't ask for
money all the time - they are easier to train - they usually come when
called - they don't hang out with drug-using friends - they don't need a
gazillion dollars for a college education, and - if they get pregnant,
you can sell the children. :)
 
Pass this on to other pet-lovers in your life!
[Posted in FML issue 5140]