BELLINGHAM, WA (Ferret Press)-
 
    The early maneuvering for position in the 1996 Presidential election
heated up in Northwest Washington today with the announcement by Scooter
D'Weasel, a Bellingham sock merchant, that he will seek the nation's highest
office as the only current contender for the Furo Party nomination.
 
    D'Weasel deferred all questions to his campaign
manager/spokesman/janitor/caterer, Chris von Seggern, for comment.
"Scooter's got all the attributes Americans look for in a national leader,"
von Seggern said.  "He's charismatic, handsome, determined, and not afraid
to let his mind be known on the issues."
 
    Von Seggern refused to comment on the matter of a running mate; "Scooter
has a few candidates in mind, but he's waiting until the time is right to
make an announcement."
 
    Considered by many to be a strong "dark horse" contender in the 1996
election, the Furo Party is nonetheless little-known to the American public.
Important planks in the party's platform include federal raisin subsidies,
the addition of Bitter Apple to the federal list of controlled substances,
and the eradication, using nuclear weapons if necessary, of California's
Fish & Game Department, which official party literature describes as "the
greatest threat to Americans' freedom into the 21st century."
 
    Although the Furo party rolls claim about 10 million members nationwide,
turnout in previous years has been weak, largely due to the fact that,
amazingly, none of the 10 million are eligible to vote.  A party official
who wished to remain anonymous described this as "a mockery of American
justice, a system of blatant discrimination based upon the sole and
irrelevant criterion of how many legs a citizen has," and which he vowed
that party candidates elected to office would immediately work to rectify.
 
        I am Ferret of Borg
                The Litterbox is Irrelevant
                        Bitter Apple is Irrelevant
                                Your Socks Will Be Assimilated
[Posted in FML issue 1464]