Dear FrettchenVolk [G.] Ferret People,
 
Anybody heard any good news yet from MF?  No, neither have I.
 
But, just because I had nothing better to do, I got hold of the backside of
a bag of Totally Ferret ferret chow.  This stuff is manufactured (not cooked
or stewed or broiled) by our good friends at Performance Foods, Incorporated
on Industrial Park Road (guess this is not actually like Grandma's kitchen,
being located in an industrial area) in Lisbon, Ohio.  Their phone number is
1 937 890 7784.
 
So far so good, huh?  Nobody's pi**ed off yet, right?
 
Let's take a look at the first sentence, to wit:
 
TF is the only BALANCED and COMPLETE food for ferrets that you will EVER
NEED to feed.  [sic] your ferrets.  It has been FORMULATED and DEVELOPED
specifically for ACTIVE, SHOW and PET ferrets.
 
Take a good look at that first sentence.  Note that Edward added, "[sic]
your ferrets." Is it not curious to you that the first sentence didn't
actually say you should feed YOUR FERRET.  No.  It didn't say you should;
the implication is there that you should, but note carefully that it did
not say to feed this food to YOUR FERRET.
 
What could a lawyer do with this?  Even a dumb lawyer?  As simple as the
nose on your face: Performance Foods, Inc.  is off the hook liability-wise
in the event a large number of ferrets, after having been fed this food(?)
were poisoned and/or died.  Why is this?  Is it so simple that their reply
to a suit would be, Your Honor, that sentence does not tell customers to
actually feed our product to their ferret??  And, they're right.  They
didn't.
 
Was this copy written by a clerk in the sales department and then printed on
the bag?  Could've been, maybe?  Or was this copy written by a clerk in the
sales department and then passed on to Legal, where it came out in final
form as we see it now?  Betsyu' dollar to a doughnut, this is lawyer-speak.
 
Don't know about you, but already I'm just a little suspicious of these
folks.  Guess I'm a crook at heart and don't trust nobody, especially
authority.
 
And, another thing about that first sentence: the .  .  .  only food you'll
ever need to feed.  Now that's a bit much wouldn't you say?  Hell, I can
feed my ferrets any kind of food - real food - natural food - that I want.
For crying out loud, what makes them think they got the corner on the ONLY
food?
 
Well, they don't and that's for sure.  And, another thing: they call their
concoction, "food." Well, they may be right; I'd guess there's some food in
that mix here and there, but I ask myself, Hey, man I never ate nothin like
that chemicals and stuff, have I?  Oh, wait a minute.  I grew up on Wonder
bread baloney sandwiches.  And it never hurt me, hurt me, hurt me, hurt me,
hurt .  .
 
Lastly, please consider the words, "balanced" and "complete." You know, I
really don't know just what those words mean - do you?
 
Let's take the last word, "complete."  If this food is complete, then why
do they need to add a whole sh*tpot full of chemicals and other stuff?  Is
their basic food so devoid of good stuff, good stuff that was initially
removed from their "by-product meals," then maybe I understand why all these
other chemicals have to be added.  Is that to make up for the nutrients,
minerals, fats, and oils that maybe went to another industry before
Performance Foods got their shipment of "by-products" and meals and such
that they loaded into this concoction?
 
Some of these chemicals that are added, could their addition be related to
the date on the bag?  You know, the "Date" that says, "Good if consumed by
this Date".  I can't find a date on the bag anywhere.  Oh, wait a minute,
there is something; it reads: E730R.  Hell, that's code; they don't want me
to know the date.  Why not?  Why do they hide it in a code only they can
understand?  Would it be that those rascals don't want me to know the date
it was "manufactured?"
 
Does it not seem that if the stuff was of recent "manufacture" and they got
it to me fresh, would they want me to know that?  Sure they would.  It would
be a plus for their sales . . . Ah ha! Fresh, Fresh!  Now, on the other
hand, if it was "manufactured" several YEARS ago, would they be proud to let
me know that?  So, maybe this is why the date of manufacture is coded so
that the poor(er) bastard buying it is absolutely ignorant.
 
So, the stuff was manufactured two years ago: Ah ha!  Boom!  It comes to me.
Since this stuff's been sitting in some warehouse all this time, they got to
do something to prevent it from spoiling.  Could that be the reason why a
mix of these chemicals are added to the stuff?  These chemicals - they're
good for the ferret too?  Yeah, sure they are.
 
Tomorrow, let's look at "balanced."  Just what does that mean?
 
        Je me fie en Dieu. [Fr.] I trust in God. (But you pay cash!)
 
Edward Lipinski, Frettchenvergnuegen from the Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[F]erret [E]ndowment for [R]esearch,[R]ehab, [E]ducation & [T]raining
[S]ociety, NorthWest.
[Posted in FML issue 2233]