I'm sure there are lots of shelters out there that could use this.
 
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Average Pet Owner:
 
Thank you for contacting us animal rescuers, shelter volunteers, and
foster-homes about your inability to keep your pet.  We receive an
extremely high volume of inquiries and requests to accept surrendered
animals (and none of us is getting paid, OK?).  To help us expedite your
problem asquickly as possible, please observe the following guidelines:
 
1. Do not say that you are "CONSIDERING finding a good home" for your pet,
or that you, "feel you MIGHT be forced to," or that you "really THINK it
would be better if" you unloaded the poor beast.
 
Ninety-five percent of you have already got your minds stone-cold made
upthat the animal WILL be out of your life by the weekend at the latest.
Say so.  If you don't, I'm going to waste a lot of time giving you
common-sense, easy solutions for very fixable problems, and you're going
to waste a lot of time coming up with fanciful reasons why the solution
couldn't possibly work for you.  For instance, you say the cat claws the
furniture, and I tell you about nail-clipping and scratching posts and
aversion training, and then you go into a long harangue about how your
husband won't let you put a scratching post in the family room, and your
ADHD daughter cries if you use a squirt bottle on the cat, and your
congenital thumb abnormalities prevent you from using nail scissors and
etc., etc.  Just say you're getting rid of the cat.
 
2. Do not waste time trying to convince me how nice and humane you are.
 
Your coworker recommended that you contact me because I am nice to
animals, not because I am nice to people, and I don't like people who
"get rid of" their animals.  "Get rid of" is my least favorite phrase in
any language.  I hope someone "gets rid of" YOU someday.  I am an animal
advocate, not a people therapist.  After all, for your ADHD daughter, you
can get counselors, special teachers, doctors, social workers, etc.  Your
pet has only me, and people like me, to turn to in his or her need, and
we are unpaid, overworked, stressed-out, and demoralized.  So don't tell
me this big long story about how, "We love this dog so much, and we even
bought him a special bed that cost $50, and it is just KILLING us to part
with him, but honestly, our maid is just awash in dog hair every time she
cleans, and his breath sometimes just reeks of liver, so you can see how
hard we've tried, and how dear he is to us, but we really just can't ..."
You are not nice, and it is not killing you.  It is, in all probability,
literally killing your dog, but you're going to be just fine once the
beast is out of your sight.  Don't waste my time trying to make me like
you or feel sorry for you in your plight.
 
3. Do not try to convince me that your pet is exceptional and deserves
special treatment.
 
I don't care if you taught him to sit.  I don't care if she's a beautiful
Persian.  I have a waiting list of battered and/or whacked-out animals who
need help, and I have no room to foster-house your pet.  Do not send me
long messages detailing how Fido just l-o-v-e-s blankies and carries his
favorite blankie everywhere, and oh, when he gets all excited and happy,
he spins around in circles, isn't that cute?  He really is darling, so it
wouldn't be any trouble at all for us to find him a good home.  Listen, we
can go down to the pound and count the darling, spinning, blankie-loving
beasts on death row by the dozens, any day of the week.  And, honey, Fido
is a six-year-old Shepherd-Lab mix.  I am not lying when I tell you that
big, older, mixed-breed, garden-variety dogs are almost completely
unadoptable, and I don't care if they can whistle Dixie or send semaphore
signals with their blankies.  What you don't realize is that, though
you're trying to lie to me, you're actually telling the truth: Your pet is
a special, wonderful, amazing creature.  But this mean old world does not
care.  More importantly, YOU do not care, and I can't fix that problem.
All I can do is grieve for all the exceptional animals who live short,
brutal, loveless lives and die without anyone ever recognizing that they
were indeed very, very special.
 
4. Finally, just, for God' s sake, for the animal's sake, tell the truth,
and the whole truth.
 
Do you think that if you just mumble that your cat is "high-strung," I
will say, "Okey-doke!  No prob!" and take it into foster care?  No, I will
start asking questions and uncover the truth, which is that your cat has
not used a litter box in the last six months.  Do not tell me that you
"can't" crate your dog.  I will ask what happens when you try to crate
him, and you will either be forced to tell me the symptoms of full-blown,
severe separation anxiety, or else you will resort to lying some more,
wasting more of our time.  And, if you succeed in placing your pet in a
shelter or foster care, do not tell yourself the biggest lie of all:
"Those nice people will take him and find him a good home, and everything
will be fine." Those nice people will indeed give the animal every
possible chance, but if we discover serious health or behavior problems,
if we find that your misguided attempts to train or discipline him have
driven him over the edge, we will do what you are too immoral and cowardly
to do: We will hold the animal in our arms, telling him truthfully that he
is a good dog or cat, telling him truthfully that we are sorry and we love
him, while the vet ends his life.
 
How can we be so heartless as to kill your pet, you ask?  Do not ever dare
to judge us.  At least we tried.  At least we stuck with him to the end.
At least we never abandoned him to strangers, as you certainly did, didn't
you?  In short, this little old rescuer/foster momma has reached the point
where she would prefer you pet owners to tell her stories like this: "We
went to Wal-Mart and picked up a free pet in the parking lot a couple of
years ago.  Now we don't want it anymore.  We're lazier than we thought.
We've got no patience either.  We're starting to suspect the animal is
really smarter than we are, which is giving us self-esteem issues.
Clearly, we can't possibly keep it.  Plus, it might be getting sick; it's
acting kind of funny.  "We would like you to take it in eagerly,
enthusiastically, and immediately.  We hope you'll realize what a deal
you're getting and not ask us for a donation to help defray your costs.
After all, this is an (almost) pure-bred animal, and we'll send the
leftover food along with it.  We get it at Wal-Mart too, and boy, it's a
really good deal, price-wise.  "We are very irritated that you haven't
shown pity on us in our great need and picked the animal up already.  We
thought you people were supposed to be humane!  Come and get it today.
No, we couldn't possibly bring it to you; the final episode of "Survivor
II" is on tonight."
 
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Pet Owner, for your cooperation.
 
Author Unknown, but could be any shelter worker or rescuer.
[Posted in FML issue 3684]