Hello - Offering up a post written three or four years ago.  This to buy me
a bit more time for an overdue post on Millennium babies - purely adorable
little German children - and I will have to bring up to date for last
couple of weeks.  Also, I am writing more stupid stuff so won't have to
recycle :-) Now, this story I considered offering to several scientific
journals.  I am still considering....
 
Alien Ferrets
Pesticus Domesticus
 
Not long ago, when I left my notebook sitting unattended for just a moment
and returned to find Sweet Pea had typed -
hlpqrrrrrd mrthrrrrrrrrrrrrrrqwed sggggggggggggggggggpp;kdddddddddd.
I viewed this message and translated "Help Mother Ship".  And I had an
epiphany.  I always wanted to have one and finally I did.  For it was at
that moment that it all became clear and I realized that our ferrets are
aliens.
 
And this was quite exciting to me because so many things suddenly made
sense.  Think about it.
 
First, ferrets do not relate to life as we know it on this planet.  A
trait, by the way, that they share with teenagers whom I also strongly
suspect are alien life-forms.  Their behavior is strange and erratic (the
ferrets, not the teenagers, although they fit this pattern too).  They
trash our houses, have strange fetishes, do wild tribal dances, communicate
with unseen objects, interfere and participate in all our activities,
collect and hide objects and much more.  They do not behave like other
animals.  And, of course, there is the endless debate on their origin.
Well, debate no more, they are from another planet, and thus their origins
can more easily be explained.
 
Now, we know there is evidence of the domestic ferret since before Egyptian
times (I know, I know Bob, but makes a better story) and many have pointed
to evidence of possible alien visitors since that time as well.  I think
this is when the ferret first infiltrated our planet.  And they have been
with us ever since.  Of course, over the last five thousand years or so,
evidence and sightings of alien visitations have continued to be plotted
and observed.  This is to be expected.  After all the ferrets have to stay
in communication and report back their findings as well as turn in the
earth artifacts that they have collected for their home planet.
 
In all probability, their home planet, wherever that is, is in desperate
need of rubber and like substances such as vinyl, latex and leather.  Shoes
must especially be in shortage.  Cotton is probably also on the list of
objects to be collected and this may explain where every other sock we
own disappears.
 
And this next observation is really scary.  They control our minds.  They
exert a strange hypnotic power that reduces us to their will.  They have us
completely in their power and hold us in thrall.  They want more of their
kind in our houses, and we obey and bring in more aliens.  They control us
so completely that if we should, for instance, run out of raisins, we will
go out into a stormy night to acquire these delicacies for them.  We have
been reduced to alien-ferret slaves.  Agggh!  We have been conquered, and
we did not even know it!
 
And their demands are many.  Just think about it.  Many of us devote much
of our lives to caring for them, form shelters to house those who need it,
spend all our money on their care, help them reproduce, actively work on
legislation to make sure they can live wherever they want to, and all the
while, they have us totally convinced us to be grateful for their company!
 
And every day, more people fall under their power.  Already, there is an
estimated 5 million ferrets in homes across the country.  At this alarming
rate of increase, within the next ten years, nearly every home will be
under their control!  It boggles the mind to think of it.  What will
happen?  Will we become a completely alien-ferret controlled society?  Will
raisins be used as money or for barter?  Will we have to dook?  Will most
products sold in stores be for ferrets?  Will they do something about the
situation in the Mid-East?
 
And to think - I would never have figured this out if Sweet Pea had not
confused my computer with a space ship communication device.  Now I just
have to figure out why she was calling for help!  And I am not going to
take any chances.  Whatever she wants, she gets.  Maybe this is why people
sometimes just disappear - ferrets have ferreted them away to the Mother
Ship.  If I am right - we are in serious trouble!  I don't know what we can
do, but I know one thing - keep your ferrets happy!  Who knows what could
happen if they turn in an unfavorable report on you................ Cheers,
Meg Post Script: For several weeks I have been searching for my phone &
address book.  After a total and thorough search I have given up.  Because
it was leather, I am quite certain it has been transported to the Mother
Ship.  m.
[Posted in FML issue 2963]