All righty, then.  On yesterday's FML Alexandra put a list out that we
could, if we wanted to, 'flame' someone.  She even matched people to
people.  Yes, oh horrors, flame!  Now we all know what happens when
people are flamed.  Fire literally shoots from our computers, feelings
are hurt, people are insulted, others leave the FML or never speak to
each other.  So a challenge was issued-flame someone, but do it in fun.
Ah, fun.  If I had a Webster's dictionary I'd look up the correct
definition, but I think it means to enjoy.  And so, without further
ado.......
 
Rebecca Stout--we all know her-she goes by the moniker Wolfy, or the
Ferret Oracle.  Ferret oracle, HA!  It's just an excuse for her to buy a
wizard's robe and go running amok in Las Vegas.  Yep, that place where
"What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas".  That's what she thinks!  I've
told everyone I know of her bad, bad behavior that night.  Scaring guests
in the restaurant, throwing hairballs at people.  Don't even ask about
the Tequila Sunrise.  What will the world think here?????  You all know
her wagon?  Did you know she stole that from some little child????  I saw
the police reports.  I am ashamed, ashamed I tell you, to know that she
did this.  When she went to the Kentucky ferret meet up she had to have
this huge suitcase just for her medications!  She harrassed people on the
plane, and I know the air marshall was close to arresting her coming back
from Canada.  And we let this woman tell our fortunes at symposiums????
 
There's this bird she has at home--Sunny.  She lets it have a kitty--a
bird with a kitty!!!!  I couldn't believe it.  Poor red plastic little
cat-cats everywhere are mortified.  She has her husband teaching this
bird to think it's a bat!
 
And her family, oh the horror----she sneaks around with cameras all the
time, they're just not safe, not safe I tell you.  OH- yeah, she has this
fish, a lion fish.  And do you know, she teased this fish the other day.
Put food in the tank, then reached for it to take it away.  The fish
attacked her---what, is she raising attack fish here????  Is she not
satisfied with confusing the ferrets and the birds?  Poor Dippy--I saw
her coming up my sidwalk with a little bundle of food and toys over her
shoulder-she just couldn't take it anymore.  What can we do about such a
person, someone who passes themselves off as a respected member of the
ferret community.  She's always getting herself into a pickle.  I tell
you, I just don't know!
 
Now, Kimberly Fox, SUMS director.  Do you know how tough it is to talk
to this woman?  She can flay you alive with her tongue, and the way she
handles people, oh, horror.  I've met her, oh, my........piercing gaze,
can pin you to the floor, and if you can't answer the way she wants she
grinds you up and spits you out.  She does so many things, and you know,
you have to wonder at times-when she communicates with the animals is she
telling them to be nice or to present their rumps to their owners?????
I know she goes to ferret shows, and see, she wears these really big
sweaters, do you think she pops ferrets in there as she walks by, taking
them home??????  Not too sure here.....
 
Lastly, but certainly not the least in this little 'tirade of mine' is
Robin Jones.  Now, we all know Robin.  Tirelessly working for ferrets in
California, runs all those auctions, has ferrets that are super heroes,
super stars, and known as the Ferret Charmer.  HA!  She's a stage door
momma, let me tell you.  Do you know she pushed and pushed Doodlebug onto
the stage.  He had his poor little paws and claws on the floor, begging
not to be in those commercials, but noooooooooo, Robin was there telling
him "You will be a star, boy", holding her face close to him, eyes
crossed as she looked deep into his little eyes.  And Super Tonks, oh,
that poor child.  No one should be forced to wear speedos, no one!  And
here she is running around the country, plastering his picture
everywhere!  She's in league with the speedo company, that's what it is.
Trying to get ferrets all over the world squeezed into these tiny little
costumes.  Everyone thinks she's just wonderful, but if Super Tonks could
just write his own letter...... And did anybody wonder why she wasn't on
Alex's list?  I'll tell you why----she cast a spell on Alex, she charmed
her to keep herself off the list, to keep the truth out of the world.
You see, do I dare tell, do I?????  Robin serves ferrets spiked
ferretone-she puts this teeny tiny drop of olive oil into it, gets them
to get drunk on the ferretone, then holds them, cuddles them, smiling to
herself.  We all think she's a calming force, but I know, and now you do
to-she's making them dependant on her through ferretone.  Some think she
has cuddly and soft, ah, um, well, they like to lay on her chest, okay?
Bill might censor the words.  I came up with a lullaby, but knowing it
might be taken wrong, I won't put it here.  HOWEVER, I have another
rhyme that might fit.
 
  "She put a spell on them, oh yes, she did.
  she put a spell on them, ferret kids
  Oh you silly people here, you think she's safe
  but we all know, she has another face,
  she put a spell on us, and now our ferrets are her's!"
 
Ah, what the heck.  (BIG-I hope you let this pass) To the tune of
"Lullaby":
 
 "Snoozy boobs, snoozy boobs, oh Robin's got them.
  Ferrets doze there, ferrets sleep there
  Robin's got da snoozy boobs"
 
Now, maybe this wasn't done in quite the way that Alex thought, but I
came up with the sort of 'roast your friend' format.  And let me tell
you, all of you here on the FML, I am honored, honored to call these
three ladies my friends.  They're not the only friends that I've met here
on the FML, and I'm honored to know all of my friends.  Yes, people here
tend to get their knickers in a twist over many things, some silly, some
not.  But this little exercise was an exercise in silliness--silly
writing, silly jibs and jabs at each other, all done in fun.  Remember
that word---fun-to enjoy.
 
Wolfy, Kim, Robin---my friends, I hope you enjoy this, and I guess I'd
better go find a flame retardant blanket out and go hide under it.
 
Rebecca & the Crew of Merry Mayhem
 
"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste
 good with ketchup"
"Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have"
[Posted in FML issue 5378]