Probably you all have seen this at one time or another, but I still get
huge chuckles just reading this!
 
Barb and the 4 whirling dervishes...Gus, Zak, Hope and Bren
 
             How to Give a Ferret a Pill
 
1. Pick ferret up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby.  Position the right forefinge and thumb on either side of
ferret's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand.  As ferret opens mouth pop pill into mouth.  Allow ferret to
close mouth and swallow.
 
2. Retrieve pill from floor and ferret from behind sofa.  Cradle ferret in
left arm and repeat process.
 
3. Retrieve ferret from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
 
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle ferret in left arm holding front
paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
 
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and ferret from top of wardrobe.  Call
spouse from garden.
 
6. Kneel on floor with ferret wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by ferret.  Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill
down ruler and rub ferret's throat vigorously.
 
7. Retrieve ferret from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
 
8. Wrap ferret in large towel and get spouse to lie on ferret with head
just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
 
10. Retrieve ferret from neighbor's shed.  Get another pill.  Place ferret
in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force mouth
open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
 
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
jab.  Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
 
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve ferret from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
ferret.  Take last pill from foil wrap.
 
13. Tie ferret's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
 
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
 
[Moderator's note: Yes, some of you may have sent this before.  (It was
originally about cats.)  And I probably did not post it due to copyright
issues.  It's been around so much though that it looks like finding the
original author is pretty impossible.
 
None of this means the story is in public domain now, but I've decided
(perhaps foolishly) to post it this time, thinking its copyright value
is pretty close to zero by now.  BIG]
[Posted in FML issue 3121]