Yes, I've experienced that (not crying when a ferret dies). I seem to
have had three overall diff reactions to a ferret loss. Sometimes I
feel numb and don't cry. And when I have reacted in that way, the guilt
is worse then the grief for me. The guilt and the missing the loved one
seems to go on and on and on, until it slowly wanes. Sometimes my last
thoughts arent' how much I miss them, or how sad I am that they had to
pass, but how guilty I feel ... and then, I feel guilty about that!
::eyes rolling:: I don't know whats up with that. I think I've only
been that way with two of my own, and also several I felt close to that
belonged to friends. Sometimes though, I have another kind of reaction.
I don't cry, but I also feel the loss just as hard as with one I cry
and carry on about ... and those are the very hardest to deal of all.
I'm always amazed at how I bounce back and move on even after the most
horrible of reactions to a loss, and then on the flip side with one I
didn't fall apart like that ..... I'll be stressed and missing them and
fret forever. There are some like that, that I never get over. There
are special ones that I fell apart when they left ... and to this day,
I might cry when I think about them ... but then it's over. I move on.
Its not like that with a few of the ones that affected me so deeply
but I can' cry over.
I have to be honest with myself and accept the fact that some ferrets
are going to be more bonded with me. Some will have unique stories
and things about them. And some will be favorites. I've had to keep
reminding myself that I cant' make myself feel what I think is "right".
I have to be brutally honest with myself to get past some deaths
because I did not feel the same about them as others. For me, nothing
is as hard as loosing my first ferret. Nothing is as hard as my first
loss as well. Then there are favorites. I'm sorry, but Jubilee Spirit
was one, and Dippy who was the apple of my eye, is another. Rocky was
more than any ferret in the world to us. His loss is an actual hole
in this family, period. I"m not going to deny him that "place" in
our hearts by saying that other ferret losses were as bad when they
weren't. But I'm also not going to say that someone like Smoke did not
mean just as much to me, but for very different reasons. I'll just say
it out loud ... Smoke did not affect me when he left. I don't know what
else to say. I loved him dearly when he was here. I'm SO grateful to
have had him. I miss him too. But ... I was not badly affected when
he left either. It doesn't mean he didn't have a special impact on my
life or that I didnt' love him. But, I'm also not going to lie, and be
all miss perfect by saying I loved him every ounce as much as Rocky,
because I didn't. Ya know? And that's okay. It really is. It's when I
try to unsuccessfully tell myself that I love them all the same, when
its not true, that it's not okay.
I know most people say they love them the same. I wish I did, but
that's just not reality for me with anyone (people, pets, etc). I
honestly believe that a lot of people are like me ... but it feels
so wrong to feel stronger about one pet, and it's so "un-PC" to say
it outloud ... that we don't share that. The saddest thing is that I
suspect many people suffer alone in this, have guilt on top of things,
and aren't at peace because society tells us you're not a good person
if you don't love them all the same.
Wolfy
Sean and Rocky,
Experience the love:
http://www.wolfysluv.com/sean.html
[Aikidoferret, go check it out and see
why Sean is one his biggest fans:
www.aikidoferret.com]
[Posted in FML 6120]
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