Just to let you know I haven't forgotten the next installment of the feral
stuff.  I've just suddenly become quite busy, and also managed to taco the
wheel on my bike.  That alone wouldn't stop me from writing, but the
headache from bouncing my cranium on the pavement has.  For those who know
bikes, I was about 35 mph on a 27x1 1/8 tire filled to 115 lbs when a sudden
and absolute decompression of the front tire took place.  I got my left foot
out, but the right foot wouldn't come off the pedal, and the bike kept
kissing my rib cage and helmet.  My sweatshirt saved my back, but the
strawberries are blooming on my rear.  I'm fine, but the rim and new spokes
will set me back a bundle.  The best crunch in the last 10 years.  But not
nearly as embarrassing as when I first put look pedals on a bike, then
cycled up to two lovely ladies at a stopsign.  I tried pulling my foot out
of the stirrup, but of course it would not move and I fell flat on
my...rump.  The two ferrets in my shirt just laughed.  So did the ladies.
 
So, with this headache, I thought I would do a little Q&A
 
Q: Do ferrets need to be descented?
 
A: Not unless you want to dedollar them as well.
 
Unless the ferret has a medical reason or they are one of the very few that
can't seem to control things, descenting is unnecessary.  While the
proceedure is relatively safe, it does require removing glands from between
the rings of muscle that make up the anal sphincters.  As a result, it is
possible to cause damage, making the ferret's life (and yours) quite
unpleasant for years to come.
 
Descenting will not alter the normal day-to-day musky smell of your ferret;
it will only prevent spraying.  Neutering will normally reduce a ferret's
body odor much more than descenting will.  Descenting will (slightly) reduce
litterpan odors, but it also removes the ability of your ferret to mark
trails, making the retracing of wandering difficult.  I recommend you save
your money for really cool stuff, like buying a new rim for my bike.  I want
one of those aerodynamic flattened ones, ok?
 
Q: Do you really believe the Fish and Game are as dumb as you say?
 
A: Nope, they are even dumber.  They don't have the intelligence God gave a
rock.  If brains were cotton, they wouldn't have enough to plug the ears of
a microbe.  I've had more intelligent converstaions while "praying at the
ceramic altar." Personally, I think they should all start wearing aluminum
hats to "keep the alien radio waves out." They were the role model for the
Keystone Kops, who toned it down to make it believable.
 
Truth be known, I think they got their degrees at the Bubba Joe's School of
Forestry and Deer Killin', where the motto is "Killin' be Good" and they
only want people "of the right caliber." Did you know their badge has a bear
in the supine position?  I haven't figured out if its dead or they are just
studying animal husbandry.
 
You know, their attitude about ferrets is to be expected.  In what other
state does the flag display an animal shot to extinction, largely through
the efforts of the local fish and game?  (Someone should make a flag with
the ferret replacing the grizzley bear.  Put it on a t-shirt, and I'll buy
three!  Make it a flag, and I get one also!)
 
Q: You stated that touching affected the immune system. How so?
 
A: The slaps in the face jump-start it.
 
All animals (and people) constantly touch and lick each other (he he he);
grooming, cleaning, introductions, sharing, etc all involve touching of some
sort.  Many recent papers have pointed out that the immune system is
actually stimulated by this type of contact.  And it is not unpleasant; Bear
will actually writhe in glee as I rub him down.
 
In humans, babies that are not touched are often ill, and can even die.  Its
called a failure to thrive.  Old people are the same; take them away from
human contact, and they quickly deteriorate.  This happens to animals as
well.  Touching is reassuring and a necessary part of life, for all living
things.  It will make the worst biter into a lovey-dovey kisser.
 
I send my heartfelt condolences to TLE and Nancy for their recent losses,
and to anyone else as well.
 
F&Gestapo Joke of the Day:
 
Two fish and Gestapo agents were helping out the construction of a new
wildlife area, and were put in charge of digging the latrine hole.  They
watched the guy in charge, a professor, standing under the only tree for
miles, drinking a Pepsi and telling people what to do.  One became upset,
and said he was going to right this miscarriage of justice.  So he stomped
over to the Professor and asked why he was in charge instead of the Ca Ca
Fish and Gestapo.  The professor thought a moment, then said it was easier
to show than explain.  So he raised in hand in front of the tree and said,
"If you can hit my hand as hard as you can, you can be in charge." The Fish
and Gestapo agent pulled back and let one rip, but of course the professor
moved his hand at the last moment.  Whack into the tree the fist went.
After dancing about for a few moments, the Fish and Gestapo agent looked at
the professor and asked why.  The Professor replied "Because I'm smart
enough to move my hand, and you are dumb enough to try.  That's why I am in
charge." This satisfied the Fish and Gestapo agent, who went back to his
friend, who asked what happened.  The Fish and Gestapo agent said, "Its
easier to show than explain." He looked around, and not seeing a tree
nearby, put his hand in front of his face.  "Now, try to hit my hand as hard
as you can..."
 
Bob C and the 18 Touchie-Feelies.  (Missing Gus)
[Posted in FML issue 1764]