To Ferretophiles hither, thither, and yon:
 
Some day in the not too distant future, wouldn't it be wondeful if the
ferret events that take place all over the USA (and even the world) could be
based on a uniform series of events.  I mean that no matter where in the
world ferrets were being urged to compete, they'd be competing to the same
standards; thus all the results would be comparable, such that a French
ferret swimming the 25-foot (7.62 meters) olympic swim course would register
a time (to 1/100sec) that would be precisely comparable to a Vancouver,
Canadian ferret swimming the same length course in a fresh-water Canuck lake.
 
If this were the case, would it not be absolutely wonderful then to compare
ferrets worldwide based on the identical standards of performance?  Seems to
me that such measurements of ferret functions would provide a unique
baseline of ferret health and ability, not to mention Nationalistic pride,
such as, for example, our Australian ferret "Jingo" just beat the pants off
the German Frettchen "Fritzie" by achieving a land speed of 5.79 miles per
hour (9.32 kilometers per hour over a grass race course of 25 feet (7.62
meters).  "Fritzie's speed was previously announced at 5.70 mph (9.17 kph)
at the Berlin Tiergarten.
 
Thus the Land-Speed World Cup goes to Melbourne from Berlin effective this
date!
 
So, somewhat like Martin Luther King, "I have a Dream, that someday we will
all come together," and our fuzzies, no matter where in the world they
reside, will ba akin as brothers and sisters to one another in what they can
and do do.
 
Thus, in my own very, very small way let me continue to describe some more
of the most delightful ferret events I've invented here in Seattle that
allow us to see most vividly just how well (and poorly) ferrets do do.
 
Come to think of it, maybe there's a possibility of having a ferret do-do
contest, such as, ah - let me think - The ExLax, "I can squirt it farther
than you can" contest! Or, "Don't aim that end at me!" contest.
 
Calm down, Edward: don't get carried away just because you think that
Charmin Toilet Paper Company would be a willful sponsor.
 
Sooo, just thought I'd put my toe in the water here; get some idea of the
reaction of the FrettchenVolk (that's "Ferret People" to you in Rio Linda,
as Rush Limbaugh would gleefully say!) to organizing international ferret
olympic competitions: to do what, when, where, how, and by what standards?
 
Not to brag just a little, (No, I want to brag one helluva lot) but we've
uncovered the fastest ferret in the world here in Seattle at 5.63 mph (9.06
kmph).  His name is TOBEY, the white blurrrr.
 
Since this posting is a little on the long side, please check out my second
posting this date that further describes a few more of the ferret olympic
events I've managed to dream up in my more sadistic reveries: See, "Ferret
Olympics, Continued, By "Edju" Lipinski."  ("Edju" the diminutive form for
"Edward" in the language of the Poles.)
 
Omne ignotum pro magnifico. [L.] Everything unknown is assumed to be
wonderful.
Edward Lipinski, Frettchenvergnuegen from the Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer !
Frettchenvergnuegen [G.] Joy of Ferrets.  F...fuehrer [G.] Ferret frolics
leader.
[F]erret [E]ndowment for [R]esearch,[R]ehab, [E]ducation & [T]raining
[S]ociety, NorthWest.
[Posted in FML issue 2221]