I happened upon my ferret kissing instructions today.  I wrote this for my
FairBeast in 1991, who passed away on July 4th, 1998 at the age of 9 years.
The poem Beast-Wop was also written for him, as that was a pet name we had
for him.  I hope you all enjoy reading this, and that none of you are
offended, as it is exaggerated and was just a fun thing I typed up one very
slow weekend at work and left for my co-workers to read on Monday morning.
I always have a lot of fun demonstrating the Official Ferret Kiss and
having onlookers think I am completely insane!  It's especially fun to
demonstrate for a small child, whose eyes widen, and then I ask them if
they want to try it!  Sometimes they do!
 
_________________________________________________________________________
                OFFICIAL FERRET-KISSING INSTRUCTIONS
 
                                or
 
              HOW TO KISS YOUR FAIREST OF 10,000 BEASTS
 
To properly prepare you ferret for kissing, sit down and position your
Beast in your lap so that he is lying on his back with his feet to your
stomach.  You may now begin.
 
1.  Take your ferret's head in your hands and smooth his Head-Fur down,
taking care to get it REALLY, REALLY smooth.  Do this for 15 seconds.
 
2. Wet your lips and position them in the middle of the Tippity-Top of
your Beast's head.  Begin to kiss Very Loud and Long.  You will need to
take extra breaths through your nose.  Be sure to kiss Very Loudly at least
15 seconds.  To end the kiss, your lips should pop off his head like a wet
suction cup on a smooth surface.
 
3. With your fingertips flat, VIGOROUSLY rub the kiss into the Tippity-Top
of your Beast's head.  This step is important for proper absorption,
lessening the chance of losing the kiss.  Rub for 15 seconds.
 
4. Once again, smooth your ferret's Head-Fur REALLY, REALLY smooth for 15
seconds.  A Beast with mussed Head-Fur looks rather sheepish and disgusted.
Be assured that you do not want a sheepishly-disgusted Beast!
 
This whole procedure will take one minute.  Do this at least once a day and
you will have a happier and healthier Beast!
 
* Please note: Many ferrets enjoy a Good Old-Fashioned Ear-Tweeking after a
properly performed and invigorating kiss.  For Ear-Tweeking instructions,
ask for the Instruction Booklet: PROPER EAR-TWEEKING TECHNIQUES FOR A
FRISKY FERRET by writing to:
 
Ferret Fur-Feelers
Forty-Fur Tweek Street
Furlington,  Furland 44444
 
BEAST-WOP
 
I have a fuzzy, fuzzy ferret.
He will not eat an orange carrot.
But he will eat bananas yellow.
He is a very mellow fellow.
 
____________
Peace in Christ!
Melanie
[Posted in FML issue 2960]