Hi FML!  This is Elizabeth, daughter of Missouri Bob Bacula.  I can use that
name because I went to a party with all of dad's friends and they kept saying
something about Bacula Bob and the Royal Order of the Bacula.  It was all
very mysterious, but since it was discussed during a baseball game, barbeque
and lots of Mexican beer, I don't think any of them knew what they were
talking about.  All I know is dad got a piece of wood with a bone hotglued
to it and now he is very proud of himself.
 
I'm writting to ask all of you to kinda keep an eye out for dad.  He was a
very bad daddy and cancelled his belly surgery so he could go everywhere and
measure bone stuff.  Everyone is really mad at him for it, but he said it
hasn't brought him down to his knees, and until it does, he will keep on
trucking.  DON'T give him any really hot food!  He loves peppers and eats
them right out of the can, but we think it makes him sick, ok?  They didn't
used to, before dad was kicked by that stupid cow.  I saw him once win a
jallapeno eating contest once.  I did see him cry once though, when his
friends cooked some chicken and served it with some red and green sauce (I
think they were some bone scientists from Israel or Greece, but I don't
remember).  Dads face was red and sweaty and tears were running down his
face, and he could hardly talk.  He loves to say if its not hot enough to
burn holes in your tongue, then its not hot enough.  Anyway, please don't
give him any!
 
Also, the doctors said granddad will be dying pretty soon.  He has a
brething tube in his throat and a feeding tube in his side, and a cut-down
in his neck and other tubes in him and he only weighs about 100 pounds.  We
and dad went out for a few days to say goodbye.  But dad is pretty sad about
it because he was adopted from a bad home, and granddad and grandma where
the first people who treated him nice.  I think its why dad gets so mad when
people hurt innosent things like kids and animals, and why he leaves the
room when people gossip about other people.  Dads not a very tall guy but I
once saw him pick up a Hell's Angel kind of guy and throw him in the back of
a pickup when he hit his kid on the head with a lug wrench.  Dad made him
stay there until the police came.  Anyway, dad is pretending not to be sad
about granddad, but I know he is lying, so cheer him up if you can.
 
If dad has to suddenly leave to go to granddad, I will tell all of you
because dad says Sukie, TLE and some others worry too much about him, and
last year when granddad first got really sick and dad couldn't make it to
peoples houses, we got all kinds of calls.  And I know Sukie does because
she even mails me cards when I get hurt running and stuff.
 
Anyway, don't tell dad I said these things because I won't get to drive his
good car again if you do.  I get to drive it while he is gone though,
because he insists on driving his old beatup van.  He says it is just in
case someone asks him to move some ferrets again, and he says he will never
again drive 1000 miles in a compact car with 20 ferrets and a teenaged boy.
He said it smelled so bad that vultures fainted when flying overhead.  He
said he went to a Macdonalds drive-up window and the boy asked if he had hit
a skunk.  Dad spent all last weekend putting in new engine stuff.  He even
had the entire engine hanging on chains once.  Then he went in and all the
ferrets rubbed in the grease and got it all over the place, so on Monday he
was running around with a squirt bottle of grease cleaner.
 
Oh, in case dad forgot to tell you.  Sandy suddenly started to lose hair on
her tail and back, and dad said she some sort of classic swellings, so dad
took her to the vet for some blood testing.  We found out Monday that she
has a growth somewhere and will be having surgery when dad gets abck from
California.  Sandy loves dad and bounces all over the room when dad is
around.  She used to be a really bad biter, and would hide from everyone,
but dad taught her not to bite and now she plays all over the room.  The
only ferret she doesn't like is Bear, who will bite her any chance he gets.
Byt Sandy bites back and Bear crys like a baby.  Dad thinks it is because
Sandy is sending out signals and the bigger boys kind of rememebr them,
because they never did it before she started losing her fur.  Sandy also
loves stealing things and hiding them and tries to get big thick towels
behind the TV.  Dad claims to be a "minimist materialist" but he has this
really huge TV that fills the entire hole in his entertainment center.  Its
so big, he had to take the top off and slide the TV in, then rebolt down the
top of the thing.  And he just wired in Surround Sound, and likes to crank
it up when he watches MTV.  Dad couldn't figure why the ferrets kept
climbing on top of the TV until he looked behind it and found about 20
towels that Sandy had dragged behind the TV, making this big lump they were
able to climb up.  I asked dad if he ever washed his towels, and he said
only when he washes his underware, about once a year.
 
Anyway, remember not to tell dad about us all conspiring to take care of
him.  He never takes care of himself.  And now that he cancelled his surgery
I kind of worry about him.  Not that I like him or anything.  He just helps
me run better, and I'm going to run the mile at state again this year.
 
Elizabeth, the picker upper of pooper from ferrets that are super dooper.
[Posted in FML issue 1934]