FERRET FANATIC ON LOOSE
 
Portland (AP) California Fish and Gestapo agents are scouring the
countryside searching for a middle-aged teenager suspected of thumbing his
nose at conventional mathematics while spreading ferret math instead.  Bob
"Bite Me" Church (AKA: Mo' Bob) is reputed to have adopted yet another two
ferrets, bringing his obscene total up to 16.  It is rumored that three more
are on the way, causing the CFG to place Mo' Bob on the "Top Ten Reasons
Bovines are Endangered" list for the second time this year.  The alleged
domesticated ferrets, known as "Sam Luc" and "Crystal" have been described
by Gestapo agents as "blood-thirsty," "face-chewers," "tippers of cows,"
"Tip O'Neals," "masticators" and "democrats."
 
"Sam Luc" is reportedly a male Cinnamon, approximately four-years-old, with
a few kinks in his tail.  "Crystal," about 1-year-old, is a female albino
who has kinked a few tails.  Stated a top Gestapo agent, "You know, albinos
are the ones with the evil red eyes that mirror their blood lust for birds,
ducks, chickens, coyotes, fox, mink, and other defenseless animals hunted
and killed by humans on a regular basis." The sound biteme abruptly ended
when the Fish and Gestapo offal was asked why domesticated ferrets are bad
because they could go feral, but pigs, pussycats, poochies, pigeons, and
pheasants are good because they already are feral.
 
Mo' Bob has a long history of illegal ferret associations, and is often
spotted in the company of two suspicious and unidentified characters,
code-named "Ferretone" and "Raisin." Top Fish and Gestapo agents have
indicated off the record that "Ferretone" and "Raisin" are considered very
valuable to the ferret movement, and they have started an investigation into
their present location.  "If they are out there, we will find them!" shouted
one Gestapo agent when questioned about the pair's identity, "All we need is
a government mandate, lots of tax-money, agents capable of distinguishing a
ferret from a long-tailed weasel, tanks equipped with night vision, and a
basic education in the sciences and we can nab the duo!"
 
The notorious "White Fand/TJ" has often been spotted in the company of Mo'
Bob, in thier favorite hangout bag.  Other suspicious characters associated
with the alleged Mo' Bob include Moose (AKA: Road Toad), Stella (AKA: Biter
of Upper Thigh), Daye (AKA: Catrobat), Bear (AKA: De Judge); Foster (AKA:
Booger); Buddy (AKA: Born to Bite); Razz (AKA: Poor Baby); Apollo (AKA: Pear
Butt); Gus (AKA: Poopinator); Simon (AKA: Simon Short Tail); Tori (AKA:
Terror Teen); Nosette (AKA: Sneak Thief); Ballistic (AKA: Speed Racer), and
Chrys (AKA: Stinky Boy).  All are considered dangerous, and no effort should
be made to apprehend them without first donning steel-lined butcher gloves,
body armor (with ceramic breast plate), steel-tipped shoes, asbestos
underware and safety glasses.  It is also recommended that the full series
of rabies shots be taken, as well as all available boosters before any
attempt is made to capture the dangerous criminal carnivores.
 
Mo' Bob has been accused of wearing bright shorts in public, having long,
thick and flowing hair, and sporting a pirate-style earring.  Other offenses
include boring posts, dogmatic reliance on science, and PC abuse.  He has
been tried and convicted on numerous counts of Public Punning, a capital
crime in most states of mind.  Ironically, he refuses to buy clothes that
have to be pressed into service.  Perhaps his most heinous crime is his
refusal to wear over-priced sandals indoors, drive over-priced off-road
vehicles on city streets, and own anything over-priced and pastel.  He owns
a $5 wind-up mechanical Westclox clock that annoys everyone forced to listen
to its strange "ticking" sound, and even stranger toneless outbursts known
to incite ferret riots.  He owns a Mac and has publicly slandered Windows as
"a rip-off of Commodore DOS," "A Mac wanna-be," and has stated 'PC stands
for "Piece of Crap'." He has alledgedly placed ferret play sounds on his
computer, and calls it his "Macindook."
 
California Fish and Gestapo agents are offering a substantial reward of $.25
plus a "Get out of CaCa Land Free" card for information leading to the
capture, arrest and conviction of Mo' Bob for publically engaging in ferret
math and shameless puns.  Please send any information to the California Fish
and Gestapo, PO BOX 666, Sacrademento, Cacalifornia, or call 1-900-TAXSUCKER.
All calls are monitored, traced, recorded, and will be used against you in
any moot court of law.
 
Mo' Bob and the 16 plus WF/TJ
[Posted in FML issue 1647]