Deva,
 
I'm last the person to believe in psychic crap, usually, but I've had
stuff happen that I can't explain.  Two Christmas' ago all my ferrets
caught my influenza.  We lost Mocha pretty quickly.  It was pretty
horrible, as you can imagine.
 
Mocha used to come into my computer room and climb up my leg just to say
hi.  She was one of the few that did that.  She was a small, dark sable
ferret.  About a week after she died I would be sitting at my computer
and feel what seemed to be a nose nuding my ankle, just like Mocha used
to do.  Of course, when I looked down nothing was there.  At first I was
startled; that's how real it seemed to me.  My emotions went rampant and
I closed my eyes just so I could absorb it.  Tears came.
 
Over the course of the next two weeks or so I would feel her nuding my
feet every once in awhile, almost always when I wouldn't have expected
it.  Each time I would close my eyes and try to absorb the feeling of
her.  I'd always talk to her when it happened.  I told her how much I
missed her and that I was sorry I gave her the flu.  Eventually, when I
felt the nudge, it was like an old friend visiting.  I would manage to
sneak in a smile with my tears.  After a couple weeks, it stopped.
 
When she was sick, my wife rushed her in to the doc.  I was at work.
There was nothing I could do to be there with Mocha and my wife.  Mocha
died in her arms at the vet's.  I always thought that what happened at my
computer desk was Mocha's way of telling me goodbye, since I wasn't there
when she left us.  I think she came by to tell me that she was OK.  It's
something I'll always remember.
 
Four months is a long time, Deva.  We all have to decide for ourselves
when to let go.  I think it's one of the hardest things we ever have to
do.  Your dream sounds like you're still pretty mad at yourself.  Dreams
are like that.  We feel things in them that are too painful to feel while
we're awake.  Maybe your dream is Sasha's way of telling you goodbye.
She has scolded you, but now maybe she's forgiven you.  Sometimes we need
to get yelled at to feel better about something we think we did wrong.
Maybe she's giving permission, in her own way, for you to to let go.
 
My heart goes out to you and Sasha.  May St. Franky look after her
wherever she is.
 
Roary
Albuquerque, NM
[Posted in FML issue 4841]