We're back to diet again? Ok. Let's consider for a moment what mine
feed *themselves,* and have fed themselves over the years with no
apparent damage.

Dog food.
Cat food.
Fish food.
Potted plant dirt.
Potted plants.
Candy canes right off of the tree.
Wasabi peas. Yes, wasabi peas. The crunchy ones.
Bell peppers. (Raw.)
Potatoes. (Raw.)
Chocolate, in many forms.
French fries.
Poultry, especially cooked poultry bones stolen from the garbage. Raw
is also negotiable.
Used feminine hygiene articles. JOY! What a thrill to see all of that
again!
Ice cubes.
Cat poop.
Cream cheese.
Ice cream.
Yogurt. (They're lactose intolerant, right?)
Root beer.
Red Bull. (They already have wings.)
Ham.
My neighbour Elaine's pineapple cherry dump cake, accidentally left on
the counter.
Whatever they could scrounge out of the bathroom wastebasket. --
Apparently toothpaste is a biggie.

And these are just the things that I *know* make up part of their diet.
I am sure that there is more, much more. Occasionally I find little
scraps of mummified organic material beneath the sofa that I know I
didn't put there. I'd need a CSI lab to identify all those substances,
but I can clearly see ferret chew marks on...whatever it all is.

Then there are the things that mine chew or at least drag around left
to their own devices, but don't seem to have a need to eat.
Fortunately. I've had some real scares with a few of these.

Croc shoes.
Pens with rubber grips.
Ziploc bags. (Todd, always Todd.)
Plastic bread bags. (Again, Todd.)
The little brown bottles that medication comes in.
Allegra, 20 mg., blister packaged. (It's the packaging that seems to
appeal to them.)
The mouth part to my husband's "camel back" water pack. He's bought
about five of them so far.
Klondike bar wrappers.
Hot water bottles.

And over the years we have heard the story of the ferret Weeds, who got
his name when a visitor came to the house when the ferrets were out
free. Apparently this visitor had a small amount of marijuana in her
purse. When she left, she *no longer* had a small amount of marijuana
in her purse. A tense social exchange followed, and a ferret got a
forever name. The term "stash" comes to mind.

When mine are not chowing down on their favourites that I have listed
here, they munch Totally Ferret kibble. Apparently it's a good add-on
to cat poop and Red Bull. My boys both have that beautifully rounded
egg-plant shape, bright eyes, and winter-soft fur that is glossy and
minky. They appear to be thriving, while chowing down on things that
certainly are not available to polecats in the wild. A little kitten
chow? Hardly compares to Crest with whitening power and french fries.

There have been times in my life when finances forced me to live on
Oodles of noodles and boxed mack and cheese for weeks on end. I think
of these items as "Purina student chow", just add hot water. I lived. I
was glad to see things like meat and vegetables again, but I survived
with no apparent harm done.

Just sayin'.

Alexandra in MA

[Posted in FML 6927]