Q: "Can't you answer anything without going into a long scientific
    discourse that bores us all to tears....?"
 
A: Yup.
 
Q: "Why don't you talk much about your ferrets....do you realy have 20?"
 
A: Technically, using the word in its broadest sense, I have more than 20.
If you make the assumption that the average ferret has 1 ferret's worth of
energy, then Ferret Totality (Ft) = the number of ferrets (F) times the sum
of their relative energy (E) divided by the number of ferret in house (Fh),
expressed as: Ft = F(E)/Fh.  Using this equation, I have calculated that
while you can only physically count 20 ferrets, they represent a sum total
of 28 ferrets.  Strange but true.
 
I don't talk a lot about my ferts because they own the copyright to their
antics and have sold the movie rights.  Nothing I can do.  Besides, if you
think my scientific work is boring, you should know I can go on for hours
about how Foster passes gas almost exactly 1 hr after eating a raisin, or
how Moose once had pink poop after eating part of a stolen bag of candy
hearts, or how Bear loves his butt scratched so much he will push his behind
into your hand, or how Stella once got so fat she lost the hair on her lower
belly because it was dragging on the carpet, or how Chrys reminds me of
Curly of the 3 stooges because of the way he rubs his face with his paws, or
how Nosette can stick her tongue so far into your ear canal that she can
perform a lobotomy, or how I sometimes call Jet the black torpedo when she
goes after the cat, or how I once measured a piece of poop on a wall,
exactly 2.28 meters off the floor, which reached that dramatic height during
a fight between Amber and Sam Luc, or that Carbone's philosophy is, if is
good on the plate, its much better if stolen from another ferret, or how
much Jezabel loves chicken bones and stores them directly under my favorite
chair then sleeps on top of them.  Three people have just injured themselves
while falling asleep at their computer screen....
 
Q: "Are the California Fish and Game, which you so lovingly refer to as the
   'CaCa Flush and Gestapo,' really as dumb as they act, and if not why do
   you give them such a difficult time?"
 
A: Did one of those wimpy refugees from a blue-sauna brand Kimi-kan put you
   up to this?  I fert in their general direction.  Technically, you can't
   be dumb if you are brain dead.
 
In most situations, the use of hyperbole and satire is an appropriate and
time-honored method of making a public point without resorting to violence.
American culture has a distinguished history of such tactics, and making fun
of inept or corrupt public officals has long been used to shape--or
change--public policy.  Of course, in my case, its just because I'm a
bullyin' dude, rude and crude and full of ferretude.
 
Q: "You wrote about mountain and valleys, books and plays and songs with
    ferrets in the titles. Did anyone famous ever write a poem about a
    ferret?"
 
A: I know of a death poem written for a favored weasel by some famous
British guy, but nothing written by anyone really famous specifically for a
ferret.  At least, not a clean poem where the ferret isn't a metaphor for
something else.  Of course, we *could* pretend that *I* am famous...
 
Roses are red, and so is my toe,
My ferret grabbed it and started to go.
I jumped in the air and started a prancin'
And the sharp-toothed fert started a dancin'.
I slipped on a shoe, then hitting my head,
I lay on the floor as if I were dead.
No need for heart shocks; the ferret knew best,
And a tongue in my ear aroused me from rest.
If a moral you want (or risk you a cryin')
An electroshock ferret will keep you from dyin'.
 
Bob C and 20 MO Rhymin' Rockers of Weaseldom
[Posted in FML issue 2228]