Now before anyone else e-mails me, threatening me with horrible things if I
do anything to Elizabeth for her post yesterday, let me say I will not
punish her. I know she has a black evil heart, but I will do nothing. But
part of the story was not true; I was *NOT* drooling. Elizabeth wants to
post every month or so to let you all know what it is like "to know a nutty
guy like my dad," and I told her she could if they remained on topic, which
I define as ferret stuff or making fun of the Ca Ca Fish and Gestapo.
To tell you a little about Elizabeth, she is 17, quite beautiful, an
accomplished runner (has went to state track and field since starting high
school, and went to the Jr. Olympics this year. Yep, I let her go to New
Orleans, and didn't even require that an armed thug remain in attendance at
all times). She has been approached by 12 schools (so far) to run for them,
including Brown and Columbia, which I like, but she is leaning to UCLA,
which I don't. She is also a softball all-star; a shortstop whiz. She
currently holds the school records for the 1/4, 1/2, 1 mile, 1x4 relay, and
longjump. She plays the clarinet and sax, is an excellent artist, and loves
cooking creative foods (I am scared to death that one day she and Leonard
Bottleman will get together; I would eat until I burst, even though I would
have absolutely no idea of what I was eating) I truely feel sorry for her
future husband (not one yet--don't even think about it any of you unattached
guys); the poor sucker doesn't have a chance. She is quite accomplished at
giving me migraines; there are always 4 or 5 guys lurking around. She and I
go rock climbing and caving together, have run the American River in Ca Ca
land, and for her 18th birthday, we will go skydiving. She wanted me to
teach her how to surf, but I can't stand seeing her in a bikini. No way.
She is a great gal, better pal, and I'm lucky to know her. Other than that,
shes a low-down creep who gives her dad no respect.
Q: You have mentioned that you don't think ferrets could go feral in
California. Exactly why?
A: Because they would rather live in a civilized domestic state.
Here is a short simplistic version. For a predator to take over a niche,
there either has to be an opportunity or a less-fit competitor. For an
introduced species to take over a niche, the first two conditions much
prevail, as well as the niche has to be one suitable for the predator; that
is, one that is similar to the one the predator evolved to fill.
In New Zealand, all three conditions existed. Few natural competitors, all
less fit, and a niche approximating that the polecat evolved within. In the
case of the British feral populations, we don't know how many there are, if
they are truely feral or lost hunting stock/pets, or if they are hybridized
to one degree or another. Still, the polecat is naturally found in Britain,
so it is logical to assume the domesticated version would be able to fill
the niche, albeit less capably. Some feral ferrets have been reported in
Europe and within Russia, but the details are scant and suffer from the same
problems mentioned with the British feral population.
As far as the literature shows, no other feral populations exist anywhere.
I just read a recent paper on the feral animals of the Mediteranean islands
which was very details, and the ferret is never mentioned. Claims of feral
populations existing on the San Juan Islands are false; I went there and
looked, and they either saw weasels or mink. Most of the reports originate
with a solitary anti-ferret vet, so I rather doubt their truth.
Historically, ferrets had been introduced on one or two of the islands to
control European rabbits, but the state insists they died out and are no
longer there. Believe them.
The problem with the ferret going feral is very complex, and I will repost a
series of reasons this week. In short, it requires a niche that already
supports several native predators, and no where in the world has the ferret
been able to out-compete them. In the areas where native predators are few,
such as the newer wetlands designed to increase the number of duck available
to be shot, the areas are limited in size. Ferrets require a lot of space
to support them, and unless the space is large enough to support a breeding
colony, whatever ferrets happen to find their way into the place are doomed
to die out within a few generations.
Why? Because of the number of babies ferrets have. The goal of a species
is self-replacement. So a species holds it's own if a male and a female
make it to adulthood and reproduce. But polecats can have 6 to 8 kits.
That means 4-6 of them normally die before reproduction can take place.
This makes sense; polecats/ferrets are small and easily preyed upon by
raptors and large carnivores. Ferrets may be predators, but they are also a
prey species for animals larger than itself.
A second reason is unless the initial population is in the hundreds, the
feral population inbreeds and dies out. Most rules have exceptions, but I
am unaware of non-human exceptions to this one. Humans are not really an
exception; we have just moved about so much in the last few centuries that
we have a great variability in our genes. We would still die out but it
would take longer.
I've been getting quite a few e-mails lately on this question, so I will
write a series of posts answering the Ca Ca Fish and Gestapo. If someone
put dead fish inside their cars, they would claim it to be whales. You know
why they don't test Fish and Gestapo agents for rabies? Viruses don't live
in a vaccuum.
Hey, I have an idea. Everyone come up with a Ca Ca F&G joke, dump them into
a single document, and we can e-mail it to the governor. Let them know how
little the rest of the nation thinks of their educationally- retarded
neonazis. Any volunteer to collate the jokes?
Mo' Bob and the 18 Poop-On-CaCa-inators.
[Posted in FML issue 1750]
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