[Moderator's note: Advisory: Somewhat "off-color".  BIG]
 
Georgia has suggested incorporating a mouse eating contest at the next
Frettchen fest - Wow!  As an olympic event, let's see, we'd have to be able
to measure each ferret's accomplishment, like at a pie-eating contest.
Could we set it up by giving the ferret a time allotment of 1 minute and
count then the percentage of the mouse consumed?  Or, possibly the total
number of mice eaten?
 
To be fair to all ferret contestants, should the ferret be required to
start at the head or at the other end?  If the ferret started at the tail
end would the owner likely be grossed out at her kissingest ferret?  Yeach!
I don't no more want any kisses from you my little lady!
 
Obviously one would schedule the ferret kissing contest BEFORE the mice
eating contest, don't you think?
 
Then, too, there's the consideration of the state of the mouse.  Should it
be kaputt (that's dead for you people in Rio Linda [as Rush Limbaugh says]
and tethered to an angled stick by a piece of fishing line so that it sways
in the wind just a couple of inches above the grass?  Or, to be a little
more sporting about it, should the living mouse be tethered into a really,
really tiny figure-8 harness by a string looped over a post sticking up out
of the ground such that the ferret would have to chase it round and round
to catch it?  Hey now, that's a neat idea: the ferret would be timed for
how long it took to run the mouse down and kill it.
 
Oh yes, I can visualise it all now just as clear as sitting on an upturned
icicle; the Certificate of Ferret Merit would read: [Ferret's Name] the
Fastest Mouse Killer in the West at exactly 8.826 seconds!
 
To be sure, the local TV station would show this ferret frenzy at the end
of the 6-o'clock news and bring to the good people of Seattle the most
heart-warming image of the ferret one could possibly have ... nooo?
 
Hmmm.  'Don't know Georgia if this is a winner type event.  Maybe sometime
in the future we could try it after we see just how the people of Seattle
would welcome the ferret trolling contest.  This is a very flashy (fishy)
contest where we use the ferret tied to the end of a fishing line and
trolled in the water as bait for dogfish sharks.  Once that ominous dorsal
fin appears knifing through the water behind that ferret, you'd be outright
amazed to see just how fast that little wet ferret can swim!
 
Keep the ideas coming folks.  I need all the help I can get, especially
since my wife hid my viagra pills.
 
Edward Lipinski, Der Frettchenlustbarkeitsfuehrer und Kamerad des
Frettchens. [G.] The ferret frolics leader and a comrade to the ferret.
[Posted in FML issue 2554]