Perhaps it's because when my humans took me to the veterinary clinic so that
I could flirt with Hanan I overheard them talking about a past family member
named Haleakala who was (certainly justifiably) annoyed at Steve, caught his
eye, lifted tail, and deposited right on his sock.  Then again, maybe it is
just because after my recent ill time I would eat only mush types which left
my waste a touch --ahem --liquid, but what ever the cause it was sheer
providence since I have managed to conduct an important scientific study.
Let it be admitted, embarrassing though it may be, that several times when I
needed those horrid concoctions which the two legged servants (slaves,
rather) insist on calling "meds", in my just and everlasting struggle to
educate them otherwise I (in street parlance) "let fly".  The result was a
wonder to behold!  It turned out to be a magnificent way to delay the
hateful task, and repeated trials found that the most effective variants
require that a wide arc be defined by rapid swinging of the lower back, and
amounts released to gravity and momentum be generous.  If the offal can be
selectively deposited upon hands, arms, sleeves or hair it ensures a delay
since it must first be removed.
 
The place where this stratagem is lacking is that once complete it takes an
extended period of time to rearm oneself.  In answer to this I offer the
following proven solution: pretend repeatedly and with dire urgency that
your task must be achieved in a timely fashion.  Get them to the point where
they break from trot to gallop.  Take your time and act as if you truly must
and shortly will expel, if not for whatever new complication is now making
the errand take an unusually long time.  Said tactic can with fortune give
the poor victim as long as a half hour's reprieve if performed with great
bravado and a dramatic flair.
 
It is now time to advance from tactics to strategy.  The weapons which
permit them to continue despite the volley are thus: washing machine,
shower, and bath tub.  To this regard it is essential that such tools be
inactivated.  All data on accomplishing said tasks is therefore politely
requested forthwith.
 
Replies will be gratefully accepted; please, use standard flying saucer
courier since I have reason to believe my mails may meet with prying eyes.
 
Lastly, a personal aside to those younger than I.  Fear not, for you, too,
shall eventually be more than capable of expressing yourselves in a
well-reasoned and grammatical fashion worthy of your intelligence.  Our name
is ferret; hear us elucidate!
 
Your silvering correspondent who can train anything with four eyes,
 
Madame Meltdown
[Posted in FML issue 1808]