Deba Brezden, who , writes of intolerable ferret abuse, please be informed
that you simply do not know what you're talking about.
 
Now before you go into a hissy fit, please let me give you just a little
insight into what it is that we "ferret abusers" do out here in
Frettchenvergnuegenland, and perhaps, just maybe you'll see a little clearer
through your clouded judgement and eyes of vitriol that discovery sometimes
proceeds from the unorthodox.
 
As Bob Church said, when visiting here last year and seeing our "ferret
abuse" in action, (I shall paraphrase) " Hey Edward, what your'e doing out
here is just really great."
 
So what are were we doing?  Well, it's really quite simple.  We put the
ferrets "to pasture," in a sense.  We turn them back to nature by allowing
them to interact with Mother Earth in a manner that few if any other ferret
lovers ever do.  Some may go as far as to say it's unorthodox, very unusual,
highly irregular, and just downright really ... cool.
 
There are 7 vertical steel rods sticking up out of the grassy ground in the
side yard of the ferret shelter known as Ferrets NorthWest FNW.  A short
distance away is a 7 foot vertical banner that at the top is located a
formee cross* with the letters FNW emblazoned in white against a black
background across its left and right arms.  The vertical banner reads,
"Ferrets NorthWest" in the colors of red, white, and black - the colors of
Imperial Germany.
 
(Ho boy!  I can see it coming ... some more Nazi condemnations!)
 
To each of these 7 metal stakes are tied by 3 foot long leash lines one or
two ferrets harnessed in the only escape-proof harness I know, the figure-8
LEATHER harness.  The ferrets remain pastured all day and sometimes as late
as 1 to 2 AM.  What do they do all day and into the wee hours of the
morning?  They dig.  And they dig, and dig and dig.  They ultimately
disappear from sight into their tunnels and just like the black-footed
ferrets of Mateestee, Wyoming, their little heads peer out from their
natural homes, their homes in good old Mother Earth, homes they themselves
have dug with those formidable front paw claws.  After dusk, they emerge,
alert and noses elevated, they continuously sample the night air, their
green eyes glowing in reflected light, perhaps feeling the true wild self.
 
Ahh, what a feeling of returning to the wild of their BFF cousins that it
must be!  Perhaps the call of the wild is back in their hearts and
domestication is all but forgotten for the moment as they feel truly "back
home again."
 
I bring them inside one by one, and as I do, I remove their harness that
they've worn all day and part into the night.  Then it happened and
completely unexpected ... they started licking my chin as I supported them
on my chest (leaning way backward so they won't slide down my chest and
clawing me all the way) and began unbuckling the one buckle that opened up
their harness.  Every one of them pushed hard, their backs arcing into my
hands, stiff legged against my chest, as if begging for a massage.  Well,
they were, and so I did.  As I took off the harness I started massaging
them, and to my utter amazement they licked my chin so vigorously that it
started to hurt (especially after the fourth ferret) and made my chin as
red as my cherry nose.
 
By golly, they loved it and they didn't want me to stop.  It would appear
that this licking reflex is one that the ferret uses to "soothe" itself
when it's "itchy." And, man-o-man, do they "soothe and soothe and soothe."
 
So it appeared that Lipinski's unorthodoxy had led to a discovery.  A
discovery that will turn around a mean biting son of a bitch, into the
kissiest, lickiest ferret you could ever imagine.  Of course, your little,
white bearded "Nazi" immediately incorporated this newly discovered behavior
into one of the famous Lipinski steps of the 3-step bonding procedure, a
procedure you'll not find described anywhere except by yours truly.
 
I am so sad that you, Deba Bresden, have taken this third step of the
ferret-human bonding procedure, a wonderous experience for both ferret and
man, as an act of dastardly willful abuse.  It is my sincerest concern that
both you and BIG are not embarrassed by this posting of mine, in view of
your vitrolic condemnations about something that heretofore your were
ignorant.  Please, I do not condemn you.  You just didn't know, and that's
all right.
 
*Formee cross, of tutonic origin and adapted by the Prussian military in
1813 as a design basis for a medal of honor to commemorate courage under
fire from the enemy.  This cross is now referred to as the Iron Cross and
was modified by order of Adolf Hitler with the placement of a swastika at
its center, now since removed by the German Bundesrepublik Deutschland.
Unfortunately, the "Eisener Kreuz" has been adopted by the German neo-nazis
since public display of the swastika is illegal in today's Germany.
 
Edward Lipinski, Der Wahrkeitskaempe von Frettchenvergnuegenland dabei,
der sagt, "La vertu est la seule noblesse."
Edward Lipinski [G.] the champion of truth of ferret joy land, who says,
[F.] "Virtue is the only nobility."
[Posted in FML issue 2394]