WARNING: The following post is rated "F": Ferrental consent required.
 
01. I am really irritated by those evil, protracted beady-eyed
blood-chilling stares given by ferrets
a) when eating cereal or eggs with runny yolk,
b) when on the other side of a locked cage,
c) while pouring a nice refreshing beverage into a colorful mug, and
d) when engaged in playful activity with another consenting adult.
 
02. Even though they have the consistancy of playdough and you can find
some really cool things inside them, it really irritates me to find a fresh
poop
a) on the carpet just off the plastic that protects said carpet under the
   litterbox,
b) just behind and under the heel of my shoe,
c) anywhere on my bed but especially near my pillow, and
d) on the cover page of my dissertation, which of course I didn't notice
   until presented to my chairperson, who, of course, did notice.
 
03.  While providing clear and concise information useful in constructing
a dominance-based heirarchical template of ferret relationships, it really
irritates me to hear those loud, unrelenting, teeth grating 200 decibel
squeals from fighting ferrets
a) when I am practicing my clarinet and my friends think it was me,
b) while just under the head of my bed while I am sleeping,
c) when the CaCaLand Fishing Gestapo is nearby and clearly consitipated,
and d) when engaged in playfull activity with other consenting adults and
       they accuse me of mocking them.
 
04. While I fully support digging as an alternative lifestyle, I am quite
irritated
a) when ferrets decide to dig each and every one of my precious, dear,
   artistic bonsai out of their careful and loving placements,
b) when ferrets decide a bunny must be living under the north corner of
   the carpet and they have to dig it out,
c) when ferrets decide grooming skin includes a vigourous dig, and
d) when ferrets decide something mysterious lives in my trousers and they
   have to claw their way to knowledge.
 
05.  While I am sensitive and aware of a ferret's mouth being the analog to
a human hand, it really irritates me
a) when a ferret that NEVER bites decides to latch on to my nose in front
   of people I am instructing on the subject of ferret safety,
b) when a ferret that wants to play sneaks up from behind and gives me one
   of those sweet little skin nips that leave a quarter-sized circular
   bruise that resembles a purple smoke ring with a pair of red
   indentations in the middle,
c) when nipped on the toe while in the deepest portion of REM sleep, and
d) when a greedy pig of a ferret mistakes my finger for their share of
   turkey jerkey.
 
06. Although the avocation of excavating hidey-holes can be rewarding and
quite entertaining, I am quite irritated
a) when I realize my ferrets have more money in their hidey-holes than I
   have in my pockets,
b) when I beep my keys and find their new storage location, but can't reach
   them without moving a ton of furniture, books and stacks of magazines I
   buy for the "articles,"
c) each and every time I find a strange odor in the house and I realize
   the extra porkchop was not a welcome treat, and
d) when lady visitors accuse me of rifling their purses and hiding their
   jewelry.
 
07. Knowing the ferret's metabolic and physiologic needs gives great
insight to their unique sleeping habits, yet I am still irritated
a) when I study all day with a sleeping ferret by my feet, but the moment
   I need a hour of sleep after cramming all night for a very important
   exam some ferret is dancing on my face,
b) when I am trying to show how cute and interesting ferrets are to a
   curious stranger, all they do is yawn and stare off into space,
c) when outgassing is a bedtime activity, and
d) sleep requires crawling into tight, dark spaces, like between my butt
   cheeks and the mattress.
 
08. Understanding the shivering process increases body heat via the
exotrophic reaction of the enzyme-mediated combusion of glucose within
muscular tissue, it still irritates me when
a) observers comment that the ferret is frightened,
b) observers comment the ferret is cold,
c) observers comment that the ferret is sick, and
d) observers comment that rubbing the shivering ferret against my sore
   neck muscles is weird.
 
09.  While knowing that war dancing is a natural expression of joy and
exuberence, I am non-the-less irritated when
a) war dancing takes place through a pile of gooey ferret poop,
b) when a ferret war dances under my feet while I am carrying a full and
   ripened litterbox,
c) when a ferret war dances in front of that elderly church lady who
   dropped by to sell peanut brittle but now who looks like strokes run in
   her family, and
d) when engaged in playful activity with a consenting adult and the war
   dancing causes my partner to giggle, which I take personally.  Which has
   only happened once.  Honest.
 
10. While understanding ferrets are a very intelligent animal, it
nevertheless irritates me when
a) saying "no" and shaking my finger in front of a ferret means "bite the
   finger,",
b) they STILL can't figure out their name when I call,
c) they can't figure out I am serious when I say, "Do not chew the computer
   cables because I have no life," and
d) they can find their way out of an excape proof house but can't find
   their way to the litterbox.
 
Bob C and 19 MO' Irritating Mustelids
[Posted in FML issue 2878]