Lisa-- I would be happy to drop by sometime.  Well, not drop.  That would
hurt, unless I landed on my head.  But I could drive by sometime.  A
drive-by sighting.  Well, when I am in the neighborhood, that is.  What
neighborhood would that be?  You don't live in one of those creepy
neighborhoods filled with Zombie Televangelists, do you?  Not that I have
anything against Televangelists or zombies.  I just need to know in advance
so I can bring calmide lotion and running shoes.  Well, they're zombies,
right?  Forget the running shoes; I can outwalk them so long as I don't
trip over something obvious.  Knowing me, I probably will.  A ferret.
Probably Stella.
 
Actually, its no BIG deal meeting me.  Ask BIG.  He'll tell you its no BIG
deal.  Wait, was that what I meant?  Now, if BIG says its not a BIG deal,
does it act like a double-negative so that it actually *IS* a BIG deal?
Or, does it mean its not a BIG deal, but just to BIG?  Or, does BIG's
BIGness somehow make the BIG even BIGger?  So, meeting me is no BIG deal,
but BIG is a BIG deal, so it would be BIG if I was a BIG deal, but I am not
a BIG deal, so it isn't BIG.  See?  I was right in the BIGinging.  It's no
BIG deal.  Thank you all for clearing up that BIG mess.
 
In any case, I've come up with an idea so everyone who wants to meet me
can do so with little problem and absolutely no last minute cancellations.
First, find one of those old cabbage patch dolls.  While they are much
cuter than I, the general size and shape are good approximations.  Besides,
it's the only way *I* could ever be called a doll.  Next, take a Modern
Ferret picture of me down to the local color copier and blow it up to about
the correct size as the doll.  Make an attempt to leave at least one of my
ears in place as you cut it out.  Use pinking shears so I look "cool,"
especially around the hair.  I always wanted a "flying seagulls" haircut.
Well, catch me in the morning and I have one.  Who thought it would be cool
to look dorky?  Anyway, you can attach it to the doll with rubber cement or
super glue, or use what I use in real life--thumbtacks.  Hey, without
thumbtacks, I would look 20 years older (I'm getting used to my nose up
between my eyebrows, but I'm still startled when I see the corners of my
mouth pulled behind my ears).  Anyway, attach the picture to the doll,
douse it in beer, rub a taco through the hair, and you have a 99% accurate
scale model of Bob.  But without the smart remarks.  But if you like, you
can print out the following comments on cardboard, cut them out to look
like cartoon speech balloons (to bring a certain air of authenticity to
the doll) and stick them in place using long sharp needles.  Ok, for the
"air" of authenticity, you would need my "used" socks, but you get the
idea.  Just try to miss the eye, ok?
 
"I had no idea ferrets could poop on the ceiling.  Look, it resembles a
 Missouri ass.  I mean mule...."
 
"Bob's Chicken Gravy is *EASY* to make, you silly girlie wimp."
 
"The CaCaLand Fishing Gestapo and Evil Twin of Hitler Society are dumber
 than a wet load of rocks in your too-tight white skivies."
 
"That's "Bob" with one O."
 
"Never underestimate how far an idiot can go when posting on the internet."
 
"What smell? Ohhhhhh.....it was a ferret. A brown barking ferret."
 
"I knew I was too involved with ferrets when I bit my boss on the neck
 and took a dump in the corner."
 
"Of course I know what I am talking about.  I'm Bob, right?  Geeesh!"
 
"Why, when I was jus' a kid, we didn't have no ferrets....had ta make our
 own....we jus' used wiener dogs an' clipped their ears round....used shoe
 polish ta make the mask.....had ta use the car battery ta get their tails
 fluffed up an' make 'em dance....yessiree, it was tough back then...."
 
"That's the leash I use to pull my polecat."
 
So that's it.  And the doll will be better than me because you wouldn't
have to feed it tacos and beer.  *OR* listen to it drone on for hours about
bones and domestication and baculae and evolutionary natural history and
how boogers roll up on your fingers and how I saved the world back in '72
using old wire, two pipe cleaners, chewing gum and a Swiss army knife, all
the while hanging upside down 50 stories over New York AND having a really
bad flying seagull hair day.  Plus, I would make a great darts target, or I
could used for medicinal voodoo.  You could call it "Mini-Bob." Wait, I'm
"Mini-Bob." It could be "Mini-mini-Bob." Uh oh, a double mini, which would
mean it was the opposite.  BIG Bob.  I can see it already....you could call
it......(ready?)...... BIG Billy Bob.
 
If I see this on "X-Files: The Visit of Bob," I'm getting a lawyer.
 
Bob C and 18 MO' Polecat Pullees
[Posted in FML issue 2830]