Dear anonymous poster:
 
While a ferret's sexual orientation is often something which he or she
considers to be a private issue, more and more ferrets feel comfortable
being honest about their sexuality in today's more tolerant society.  If
a ferret trusts you enough to "come out of the cage" (as gay ferrets say)
it is important to react in a sensitive and caring way.  Even if you are
uncomfortable knowing the ferret's orientation, you should remember he or
she is the same ferret you loved before you learned of this facet of his or
her personality, and is just as deserving of cranberries, squeaky toys, and
clean litter boxes as any other ferret.
 
How to tell if your ferret is gay: 10 telltale signs
 
1.  If your ferret is male, does he decorate his room in an interesting and
    tasteful way? If female, does she exhibit an exceptional mechanical
    ability  (e.g. can she take the hinges off her cage door in 10 seconds
    flat?)
2.  Does your (male) ferret wear clothes well?  Is your (female) ferret
    most comfortable in denim or leather?
3.  Does your ferret (either gender) sport any unusual piercings or tattoos?
4.  Can he create a gourmet meal out of the finest Bordeaux raisins?  Does
    she spend a lot of time digging in the garden until she thinks it looks
    perfect?
5.  Is your ferret especially sociable?  Does he or she host an inordinate
    number of "fabulous" ferretone parties?
6.  Does your ferret own more than two: cats? poodles? pedigreed Pekinese?
7.  Does your ferret have a strong appreciation of any of the following
    female vocalists: Maria Callas? Patsy Cline? Nancy Sinatra? Donna
    Summer? Barbra Streisand? Bjork?
8.  Does your ferret have a strong appreciation of any of the following
    female actresses: Judy Garland? Bette Midler? Marilyn Monroe? Rosalind
    Russell? Jane Russell?
9.  Does your ferret display rainbows at the end of every June?
10. Does your ferret exhibit a strong aversion to any of the following:
    Coors beer? Jesse Helms? White shoes after Labor Day?
 
-Brandon Burt
+ Baldrick (who is much loved even though he, unfortunately, has absolutely
  no culinary or decorating talent)
[Posted in FML issue 2635]