This was posted to rec.pets.ferrets, and I was given permission by the
poster to send it here.  Please remember it was posted in fun and with
apologies and much appreciation to Pam Greene and the excellent work she
has done on compiling the real thing.
 
Linda Iroff
The Raisin Retreat
North Coast Ferret Shelter West
Oberlin, OH
http://www.oberlin.edu/~liroff/ncfs.html
 
   -------
This is originally an FAQ
(http://www.cis.ohio-state.edu/hypertext/faq/usenet/pets/ferret-faq/part1/
 faq-doc-15.html)
that I sent to my friend in hopes of correcting him when he accidentally
referred to my ferrets as "rodents."  He sent back the following, which I
think is a scream.  I hope other ferret owners with a sense of humor enjoy
it as much as I did.  Enjoy (and don't take it too seriously)!
   -------
Ferrets are domestic animals, and can be dressed up in formal wear for
important social occasions if necessary.  However finding those cute little
bowties can sometimes be a chore.
 
Their cousins include weasels, skunks and otters.  (Other relatives include
minks, ermines, stoats (stoats????), badgers (GO WISCONSIN! CHEESE! CHEESE
CHEESE!!!), black-footed ferret (??), polecats, flagpole cats, and fishing
pole cats.)
 
They are NOT (no, no, no, no, no, no, no!!!) rodents; as taxonomically
speaking (which is a fancy schmancy way of whispering just loud enough so
that the cabbie who's driving you can hear your pretentious conversations
about all things other than rodents....) they're in between cats and dogs,
but a little closer to dogs.  Sort of.  Well, never mind, but they aren't
rodents, okay?!  And they have absolutely nothing to do with sheep.
 
They are friendly and make excellent pets.  If you've never met one before,
the easiest way to think of them is somewhere between cats and dogs in
personality, but rather smaller.  Think of a crazed but cuddly furball with
sharp teeth and fast feet and you've got the drift.  They can only see
reasonably well, but often use cute little canes to get around in addition
to their senses of hearing and smell.
 
Some are cuddly, while others are more "independent" (there's a good
euphemism eh?  "Isn't that just darling?!  Look at the way he's locked on
to Uncle Charlie's carotid artery with those razor sharp incisors!  He's
just so danged in-de-pen-dent!"); but do vary a lot, just like other pets.
 
Ferrets are a lot of fun.  They are very playful, with each other and with
you, and they don't lose much of that playfulness as they get older, even
when they sit around in their little ferret wheel chairs, chain smoking,
wheezing, cluckking with their false teeth, and playing canasta all day).
 
A ferret -- or better, two, ten or more (hell, get thousands and take over
your whole neighborhood!  Then you'll really be independent!) can be a VERY
entertaining companion.  They are smarter than cats and dogs (and rodents!),
or at least they act it (Actually they are faking it.  They arent' really
that bright, but dropped out of Ferret school to smoke dope and hang out--
occasionally with--eek!--those pesky rodents.  But it paid off, because one
of the rodents--a certain mouse--had show business connections.  He helped
the ferrets take acting lessons.  And they got really good at it, so that's
why they can fool you into believing that they are so damn smart.  Cute,
cuddly, and cunning little devils!).  They are also very inquisitive,
somewhat impulsive and remarkably determined, which is part of their charm
but can also be a bit of a bother if you enjoy predictability in a pet.
But they are sooooo friendly, and they do know and love you, though for
some of them it can take a year or so to fully bond even though you buy
them food and watch as they destroy all of your worldly possessions.
 
They can be trained to use a litter box [7.2] and to do card tricks and
magic shows [8.2], and most of them love to go places with you, riding on a
shoulder or in a bag or in the glove compartment [8.8].
 
Like you, they like to sleep a lot, and they don't particularly mind
staying in small places (a cage [5.4], for instance, or a shoulder bag,
or an unsuspecting friend's knapsack perhaps!  Wheeeeeee!!!) temporarily,
although they do need to run around and play for at least a couple of hours
a day, followed by a beer or two, and a nap on the couch.  A "single" ("Hey
baby, wanna come back to my place?  We can chase each other around like
crazed weasels!") ferret won't be terribly lonely, although the fun of
watching two or three playing together is easily worth the small extra
trouble and expense of having to buy all those little teeny tiney condoms
[4.2].
 
Barring accidents, (or people who finally snap and do them bodily harm--if
they can catch them!) ferrets typically live 6-10 years, but it will seem
like MUCH longer.
 
Ferrets have lots of good points as pets, but there are some negatives as
well.  Like kittens and puppies and most adult males, they require a lot of
care and training at first.  They're "higher maintenance" than cats (but
then isn't everyone?); and they'll take more of your time and attention
than you realize, until you ultimately end up losing your job.  But smile,
cause you've got ferrets!.
 
Although most ferrets get along reasonably well with cats and dogs, it's
not guaranteed, so if you have large, aggressive pets (particularly dogs of
breeds commonly used for hunting, boyfriends, terrorists from thrird world
nations, or biochemists from pharmaceutical or cosmetics firms), keep that
in mind.  Likewise, small children and ferrets are both very excitable, and
should be kept locked in separate rooms until your doctor writes your next
prozac prescription, while you reamin a safe distance from all sharp
objects.
 
Finally, the importance of "ferretproofing" must be emphasized.  Ferrets
are less destructive than cats, but they love to get into EVERYTHING,
(there's a visual, eh?  Think our President was a ferret in his former
life?) so if you keep them loose you'll need to make sure (make VERY sure)
they can't hurt themselves or your possessions because you WILL want to
hurt them if you don't [5.1].
 
They love to steal small (and not so small!) objects and stash them under
chairs and behind furniture ("Gosh darnit, where IS that remote
control?!?").  They like to chew on spongy, springy things, which must be
kept out of reach or they'll swallow bits, pieces and then what will you
do for birth control when your significant other shows up later that night
looking to play "Attack of Ferret Boy" again?  Accessible boxes, bags, and
beer cans will be crawled in and emptied ("Uuurp!"), and houseplants within
reach are liable to "lose" all their dirt to joyful digging (cause I just
luuuuv to dig baaaby!) [5.2].  But isn't that so CUTE!?!
 
Finally, many ferrets tend to scratch and dig at the carpet [5.2], the
furniture, the floors, walls, and ceilings if they can be reached.
Basically if it's not tied down, and even sometimes if it is, expect if to
be "explored".  Naturally, these traits vary from one ferret to another,
but they're all pretty common.  So if you're not willing to take the
necessary time to put all of your property inside locked steel boxes each
day before you leave for work, a ferret may not be for you.  So just go and
get yourself one of those filthy rodents.  They're much worse, and would be
much more suitable for a non-ferret-loving loser like you.
[Posted in FML issue 2437]