Here's a tip to think about - It's so easy to convert a nipper/clawer into
a kissingest, lickingest creature by a fairly simple process I've learned
here at FerretsNorthWest FNW in Seattle.  However, it won't work if you're
lazy or inconsistent.  Involved is labor of a chef/cook and a bit of common
sense.
 
In addition to running the longest-lived and most well known Ferret House of
Prostitution hereabouts, among other things I'm a bit of a breeder of high
quality, non inbred (purebred) ferrets.  I 'm very proud of my ferrets as
being docile, humanophilic (appear to like most people), very, very healthy,
and of large nonfat muscle mass.  I encourage them to bite everybody.  Bite
in the sense that you hardly feel the pinch of their teeth as they mouth
your fingers, nose, lips ears and chin.
 
My momma ferretinetts will take your finger in their teeth, clamp down
pretty hard and will try and try to carry your finger away with them.  So
down on hands and knees I kinda limp along, essentially in tow by momma,
where she takes me to her nest box (on the floor) and circles around amidst
her cluster of joyously chirping kits.  When she finally decides (somewhat
like a dog that circles around and around before flopping down) to settle
and lie down, she does the most wondrous thing - she puts my finger to her
red nippled belly, as if to say, OK now, it's your turn to nurse.  One could
say that a nursing ferretinette seems to display a very strong maternal
instinct.  I've often wondered if my little ferretinette "thinks" of me as
one helluva big Polish kit.
 
Oh, on that "Ferret House of Prostitution" business I mentioned above, maybe
that's not quite the right terminology.  Instead of the owners of male
ferrets paying me, essentially a ferret pimp, to permit their males to
"boink" female ferrets, it's kinda the other way around.  The owners bring
their sex starved females to FNW, whereat for the next 3 to 5 days, an orgy
of ferret to ferret "boinking" occurs.  The male ferrets are not neutered,
but instead have been operated on surgically such that their "tubes" have
been cut and portions of both "tubes" have been removed.  Having retained
their testes, their libido is supermax around a "juicy" estral jill, and
providing the jill is at peak estrus (not always easy to determine), coitus
occurs usually within 6 to 10 minutes of the intro.  No fuss, no mess; it's
down to business., maybe even quicker than two bunnies.  And guess what?
The female usually goes to sleep for the 1 to 2 hour humping session with
the male huffing and puffing like a choo choo train.  He's apparently so
exhausted that he usually mates only once a day.  We've found by experience
that at least 3 coituses are necessary.
 
It's my opinion that both Frettchens seem to experience the "real thing."
Everything is normal - except for one thing: that is, the male shoots, well,
essentially he shoots blanks.  The path of the spermatozoa is really
blocked, so no spermatazoa are ejaculated into the cervix/uterine junction.
There is ejaculatory fluid ejected alright, but it's devoid of any sperm
cells whatsoever.  This action takes the female out of heat and usually
into a false pregnancy that may or may not be self terminating.  Most are
self terminating if we're lucky enough to have the female penetrated at the
"peak" of her estrus.
 
Excuse me for getting carried away like a man on Viagra.  What I really
wanted to discuss was how I convert ferrets to humanophiles.  Let me do
that next time, because this posting is already too long.
 
Auf Wiedersehen, au revoir and spokanyie noche*.              Edward
Frettchenvergnuegen Lipinski
 
*Til we meet again in German and French, and good night in Russian.
[Posted in FML issue 2357]