Dear Frettchen Volk,
 
Ferret kisses, yep, can go on and on.  And, that's a problem of sorts that
several concerned posters have asked me about, in terms of being able to
count the number of kisses that a ferret will give to its bondee in the
time allotted during the Ferret Olympics (30 seconds.)
 
After thinking about this a bit, I came up with this way to do it and be
able to count the number of kisses the ferret gives.  It goes like this:
 
The owner/handler holds the ferret in both hands with his arms extended
fully to his front.  The elbows are to be locked so the arms are straight
ahead.  This helps ensure that all bondees start from the same position.
 
When the judge gives the zero time signal, such as "GO," the ferret is
brought into the lips or chin or whatever for the ferret to deliver its
first kiss.  The kiss is defined as one (1) tongue lick delivered to the
target selected by the bondee.  At this time the bystanders all holler out
loud, "ONE."
 
The ferret is then extended again at full arm's length with bondee's elbows
locked.  Immediately thereafter the ferret is closed to the bondee and the
second kiss is delivered to the community shout of, "TWO."
 
This process is repeated until the judge calls, "TIME," at which time the
total number of kisses is recorded by the judge next to the ferret/owner's
name(s).
 
The greatest number of kisses is then recorded on the Certificate of
FERRER MERIT, as follows:
 
 - "Bandit, the Fastest Kisser in the West @ 12 kisses in 30 seconds."
 -  Second and third place kissers are similarly recognized and awarded.
 
Concern about the eating of chocolate by ferrets and the Ferret Olympics
snacking contest is addressed as follows: Four chocolate covered raisins
will be the maximum offered per ferret in the Fastest Snacker in the West
contest.  We have determined that the amount of chocolate on four chocolate
raisins is 5.28 grams (0.186 ounces).  The maximum dosage of chocolate for
mammals is 1/2 ounce per lb of body weight, so for a 1.5 lb. little female
ferret, the max dose would be 0.75 oz.  At 0.186 oz we are only at 1/4th of
the maximum.  So be assured that your ferret is not likely to get sick from
eating just four chocolate-covered raisins.  But, if you feel uncomfortabe,
then read below.
 
There is the possibility that some ferrets may not yet have developed a
taste for chocolate-covered raisins (hard to believe), so we will be
offering yoghurt covered raisins or honey nut cheerios or just plain raisins
or miniature marshmallows.  We must cater to the tastes of the individual
ferrets in order to measure how rapidly they consume a collection of 4 each
of the above tasty treats.
 
Hey, bear in mind that each Ferret Olympics is a learning experience for the
ferret as well as for yours truly, Edward Lipinski.  Please wish us good
luck and good weather (If rain then we go for the next Sunday, July 5th.)
[Posted in FML issue 2350]