Little Known Ferret Ailments:
 
SNUDGING
Symptoms:
The affected ferret repeatedly nudges any available part of a readily
available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are
rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc.  This condition gets its name from
a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging".  Snudging may well be a form
of excessive scent-marking.  A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
 
Treatment:
Give the sufferer lavish affection.  Most attacks subside between 10 minutes
to 1 hour after onset of symptoms.  You may need to dry off snudged clothing
or skin.  Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available
human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.
 
FUFFLING
Symptoms:
The ferret lowers its nose into water and exhales.  This is followed by
whiffling, spluttering, sneezing, snorting, head-shaking and a generally
confused expression.  Bath-foam appears to trigger attacks of fuffling in
some ferrets.  It may also be linked to interesting items seen in the water
e.g. goldfish, food-crumbs, greeblingz.  Fuffling is most common during
kithood although even quite elderly may suffer an occasional bout.
 
Treatment:
None.  Snorkelling apparatus or scuba suits are possibilities, but ferrets
do not readily accept such treatment.  Kithood fuffling generally subsides
as the ferret grows older, possibly due to some acquired immunity (or
greater common sense).
 
IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME
Symptoms:
The ferret appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead rearranging
itself, fidgeting, vocalising, getting up and turning around, falling off
lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer
keyboard, telephone etc.
 
Treatment:
Immediate treatment is essential.  Drop whatever you are doing (literally if
need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may
escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner.  Only prolonged
attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome.
 
LAP FUNGUS DISORDER
Symptoms:
Having taken over a human lap, the ferret proceeds to 'spread' in all
planes.  This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume
snoring and dribbling.  The condition is highly contagious and several
'fungoid' ferrets may infest a lap simultaneously.
 
Treatment:
Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective.  Prompt
treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the
worst symptoms although in a number of ferrets, such treatment actually
aggravates the condition.  This disorder manifests itself periodically
through the affected ferret's life and there is no long-term cure.
 
SMURGLING
Symptoms:
Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling,
glazed expression.
 
Treatment:
Ultimately incurable.  It is possible to remove smurglable items from around
the ferret.  The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large
laundry bills, mis-shapen clothing and chapped skin.
 
GREEBLINGZ
Symptoms:
Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of
unseen prey.  Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some
authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be
diminutive other-dimensional beings.  Ferrets suffering from greeblingz
typically have wild-eyed expressions.  There is a minor danger of greeblingz
attaching themselves to humans; if a ferret tackles such greeblingz, injury
to humans may result.  Very few ferrets are naturally immune.
 
Treatment:
None known.  Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears
unrelated to other forms of seizure.  Avoid getting in the way of a ferret
engaged in greeblingz hunting.  Attacks usually subside spontaneously,
perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension.
 
Enjoy,
Toni & Dinky
[Posted in FML issue 2248]